It's All Fun and Games...

by Amy Stack and Lindsey Simon

In light of the recent grumbling heard around the law school regarding final exams last semester, we humble authors started to wonder if perhaps there was a better way to test students. Taking a cue from the network executives during the writer’s strike, we propose a new law school exam system based entirely on game shows, reality shows, and classic board games.
Torts—American Gladiators
• Re-born in the new millennium like one of its hosts, Hulk Hogan, this exam wants you to “say your prayers and take your vitamins.” Gauntlet, Powerball, and The Eliminator are no match for students on American “Tortfeasor” Gladiators. Exam takers compete by dodging exploding lamps, ducking under trains, side-stepping escaped barrels, and avoiding the swinging madness of the Golfing-Gizmo. This exam will be re-given the following semester and will require steroid screening.
Constitutional Law—Survivor: Guantanamo
• Two words: Survivor: Guantanamo. During this exam, student grades will be based on two factors: (1) how long they can withstand water-boarding, and then (2) correctly answering the yes/no questions, “Was that torture?” So far no one has gotten this one right.
Professional Responsibility—Double Dare
• Marc Summers, reading from the Model Rules of Professional Double Dare will begin your exam with an explanation of the Game: “I’m going to ask you thirty questions, and if you don’t know the answer, or think the other students haven’t got a clue, you can dare them to answer for double the grade points. But be carefully because they can always Double Dare you back for four times the points, and then you’ll either have to answer the questions or take the physical challenge.” Physical challenges may include: “Pie in the Pants,” “Rain on Your Parade,” “Human Taco,” or “Hard-Partying 2L” and “Non-Traditional Student.”

Business Associations—Deal or No Deal
• In this version, student contestants open briefcases to reveal grade points. As the points accumulate, a call comes down from “The Banker” (i.e., Professor Anderson) with an offer for a certain grade. Students are encouraged to remember that a deal’s a deal (and it’s your own dumb fault). And make sure that you don’t confuse your game shows and yell, “Whammys” mid-lecture, or you’ll catch a suspender clip to the mouth.

Family Law—The Price is Right
• After being urged to “Come on down!” students are shown a dysfunctional family and then asked to bid on what spousal support and child support amounts are appropriate. The student that comes closest to the correct amount according to state guidelines advances to the next round. In the Showcase round the students are shown the family “assets” and asked to divide them based upon equitable distribution. And as always, remember to spay and neuter your kid... uh, pets.

Evidence—Family Feud
• All the legal jargon that family members of students have been forced to endure finally pays off in this exam. Spouses, parents, siblings, and children will have to provide category answers based on all those hearsay exceptions you were drunkenly shouting at the television during Law and Order marathons, CSI, and Matlock over Christmas Break.

Criminal Law—Clue Tournament
• The old method of providing an actor, event, and theory in Criminal law exam answers takes a new twist in this tournament of the classic board game. Now students must provide the correct murderer, location, and weapon in order to succeed. E.g., Professor Hasko, in the Law Library, with the microfiche (microfiche thrown at high speeds have been used for decades to sever the carotid arteries of rival librarians).

Bankruptcy—Life Tournament
• It’s the game of Life! Deal with it, Chump.

Trial Skills
• We’re pitching a new game show to NBC execs for this one. Our tagline? “Judge Judy Meets ‘The Most Dangerous Game.’” We haven’t quite figured out how it works yet. All you need to know is that Professor Williams will only give you a five minute head start before he paints the courtroom with your blood.

Sales
• It’s not really a game, but we think it would be a good testing method anyway. This final is a lot like the standard egg/flour sack assignment from high school, in that your grade depends on the condition of your U.C.C. supplement at the end of the semester. A broken spine or excessive tabbing is an automatic grade deduction. Also, you must bear in mind Professor Beard’s care instructions—“Never expose your U.C.C. supplement to direct sunlight. Never get it wet, and most importantly, never, ever feed it after midnight.”

Grades at the U of I are a gamble... literally

by Collin Simonsen
I was in an interview for a job with a prestigious firm a few days ago when the interviewer asked me for my transcript. I reminded him, sheepishly, that I came from the University of Idaho. He said, “I see. Bring it in.”
I then left the room and came back a moment later carting a slot machine.
“Now please understand that I had Goble, MacDonald twice, Beard for Sales that “one year” and Rowland, so I’ll have to do this twice.”
I inserted a quarter into the machine and pulled the lever. As the columns began turning I stared excitedly my eyes bulging with anticipation.
And the first grade was... a “C”! Dang it! I looked at my interviewer nervously. The second grade? “D-”! Dang it! And I had even had the answers for that one! The third grade? “C+”! An improvement at least.
I looked at my interviewer again and said, “It’ll get better I promise.” So I pulled the lever again after inserting another coin. This time it came out “A-”, “A” and “B” plus! Yes! I turned to my future employer and said, confidently, “And since those were second year grades you can tell that I improved.”
“That’s a good point,” he said, “But how do I know they won’t change next week?”
“Well, if I come in next week and they are either substantially the same or better, can I have the job?” I asked.
“We’ll see. Meanwhile, it is now time for my interview with the Harvard law grad., so... yeah, get outta here.”
“Oh, I don’t suppose you even have to look at his grades.”
“Um, No.”
Dejected, I left his office with my grade machine.

Torts Lib

by Eric Haley

Instructions: Read the potential Torts final exam hypo. You will notice words are left out. Fill in the blanks and giggle about it with friends!

Farmer Shickadance runs a big ole farm, with a big ole tractor, a big ole hog pen, a big ole heard of cattle, and a big ole barn. That’s because Farmer Shickdance has a big ole _________(noun). Shickadance was squirrely on his good days and meaner than a 3-________(adj) cougar on his bad days. So he wasn’t amused when two smart-ass teenager’s, Mike and Luke, snuck up on his _____________ (living thing), Ole Bossey, and tipped him/her/it over.
Shickadance said on more than one drunken occasion, “ _______(verb) my farm, _______(verb) my hogs, hell I don’t even lock my barn so if you want to sneak in and _________(verb) a cute little _______(noun) or two, well that’s between you and God. But nobody tips over Ole Bossey Shickadance. That will get a ____________(slang noun) hurt!
Shickadance spent the majority of the day consoling Ole Bossey who was in a state of severe emotional distress and physical pain because the “tipping” had left him/her/it with a broken ____________(body part). The next day, Shickadance woke up to the pungent smell of ________(noun). “Is that smell coming from inside the house or outsi....Oh My God! Bossey!”
Shickdance couldn’t have been more shocked if he had seen __________(living thing) hoola hooping with Barbara Walters in his front yard. During the night, someone had thrown a hot bucket of _______ (liquid) on Ole Bossey. Adding injury to insult, there on the wall smeared in _________ (whatever), was the message: “L and M 4eva!”
Well it looked like tweedle-dee and tweedle-_______ (u pick) had won this war. “Look it! Ole Bossey is just lying there, smellier then a sack of ________(whatever)!”, the boys elated. Let me tell ya, 99 percent of the time, Luke and Mike would have been in the clear because 99 percent of the people you could ______(verb) with, weren’t Farmer Shickadance. Shickadance hired a bodyguard for Ole Bossey but not just any bodyguard, it was “Nicotine, the Tort Magician!”
Nicotine was a bodyguarding son-of-a-________(noun), with an arsenal of smoke screens, doves up his sleeves and a bunny in his __________(noun). Tragically, after taking 10 steps onto Shickadance’s property, Nicotine slipped on a pile of _________(noun) shit and broke his neck. The fall dislodged a cigarette from his lips which ignited his _________(body part) tassels thus detonating the smoke screens.
The doves, no longer able to sustain life in the sleeves of a dead burning magician, took desperate flight into the smoke that now eclipsed all visibility on the road. Luke and Mike ran towards the smoke, hoping that Shickdance’s __________(noun) was up___________(whatever) creek without a __________(noun), just in time to witness Luke’s parents jogging into one side of the smoke, and Mike’s drunk uncle daydreaming into the smoke in the opposite direction. The problem wasn’t the timing of the day dream session, it was location. Slick-________(name), as his friends called him, happened to be located behind the wheel of his _______(year) ________(vehicle). His last thought before leaving this Earth was “Hmmmm...who would have thought you would be greeted by white doves at the smoky gates of hell?”
The truck lost control at the same moment that the comet “Halebop” came crashing into the accident scene leaving a one-mile circle of scorched Earth. Everyone in the fact pattern is ________(u pick) up!

Please analyze the various tort issues.

Clash of the Pretty Boys

by Aaron Crary

As appears its marketing goal, the law school is made up of a diverse student body. With different ethnic backgrounds, lifestyles and eating habits the diversity here is quite evident. And I don’t think anyone would question that our creators plan, in his infinite wisdom, has failed by constructing such diversity not only in our school, but among the general population as well. But as consequence of doing so there are certain members of the society, and specifically here in our law school, who find themselves much more physically appealing and subject to more than the normal amount of attention given to the general public.
Although the majority of my time is spent looking at our female makeup here at the school, it would be childish for me to deny that I have not noticed our male population as well. My inquiry for today is a study into the makeup of some of the more appealing male members of our school.
As would be expected, I use myself as the general template for comparison. But unfortunately, as much as I would like to confirm that I am in fact the model of physical prowess amongst the three classes, I just don’t think my credibility could take that kind of backlash with such a claim.
My good friend and fellow 3L Will Fletcher does not hold the same self restraint. The self-proclaimed heartthrob does not doubt for a minute that he is amongst the top. I know Will lifts a lot of weights, giving him man pecks that would make any 13 year old girl jealous. But the fact is that one, Will is not tall enough; and two, although this should not matter in a vote such as this one, no one likes him and therefore he cannot be a favorite in any such vote.
No, my tale today focuses on a certain specimen, a one Trent Belnap, who found himself struggling with these such ideals. As it goes, Trent came onto the scene in 2005. The first year was easy for Trent. There were few who had the gall to question the brilliance this young man embodied. A modest stature of 6’3’’ topped off with a blond-haired, hazel-eyed face that seemed to be chiseled by the breath of angels on their way up to heaven, Trent was truly without equal.
And Trent relished his role. He knew his place. He was born a creature of beauty, and as such did relatively little to reinforce what his maker had so gratuitously bestowed upon him. Trent was happy to sit back and offer his welcome contentment from his modest perch, always off in the corner, never threatening or condescending, a soft reminder of what could be.
But a life at the top it was not to be. Unfortunately for Trent, when his second year came he ran into something he never expected.
Trent had never been so confused, a spectacle before his eyes he had never before witnessed. A passing of the torch it appeared, an event that Trent had never partaken in and as such was not and could never be prepared for.
The individual before him was truly one that seemed unspeakable. Whereas Trent had found comfort in the fact that his face could perform wonders among the masses, he was now faced with a prospect who was equal not only in complexion, but in physical stature as well. No, it was no secret this man, a Craig Weaver they called him, spent time at the gym.
This bothered Trent. A certain depression came over him. Not for any jealousy he felt towards this new man. Trent just had never been able to prepare himself for a world that apparently could be yanked out from under him so quickly.
But Trent, a casual intellectual of sorts, maintained to find out what this new creature meant in his life. Was it fate, or destiny if you will, that propelled Trent to accept his place as a thing of beauty, though now not one superior? Or was he now given a choice, two paths departing with Trent free to decide which of those his life would take; a) sit back and accept his role, or b) take initiative to regain what once was bestowed upon him.
Trent reserved himself to a strict regimen. He ran in the morning. If it was too cold outside then an hour and a half on the treadmill at the gym. Lunch was restricted to a somber meal, low in carbohydrates, and high in seduction. After dinner it was a full workout, alternating upper or lower body every other day. It was a full time job.
Trent had made up his mind. Whether he had a choice or not, he no longer cared. What was important was that he now felt the choice was his and he was determined to see it through. Trent devoted his life to this one goal. A goal that was his to be had, and his alone. And that is how it has been ever since.
If you go to the gym these days, there is a likely chance you will see Trent amidst his routine. A once depressed figure, he has found recent purpose in this new life. But I do warn you, do not question the man. For what he does is personal, his actions an everyday reminder of what he is and now must become. But if you are so lucky to get close to him as you pass by him at the gym, keep your ears peeled. He does speak; it is rumored, though in soft whispers. And every time it is the same, so they say, a persistent mantra reminding himself always, “Craig Weaver, you think you have me now, but just you wait.”

Employer’s responses to my applications

by Mike Witry
Dear Mr. Witry:
Thank you for submitting your application for employment. However, it appears that you have inadvertently failed to include the document or documents in which you explain how you are in any way qualified to work for our firm. If you find those documents, please feel free to re-submit your application.
Dear Mr. Witry:
The only reason we informed the University of Idaho College of Law of our available position is because we wanted to hire Kristi Wilson. No others need apply.
Dear Mr. Witry:
We are sorry to say that we do not offer positions to Gentiles. When Jesus makes His triumphant return to Missouri, we do not wish to be caught in the awkward position of trying to explain why one of our number is not among the Elect.
Dear Mr. Witry:
Thank you for applying for an associate position with our firm. The position has been filled by someone who is even less qualified than yourself, but I owed his dad a favor.
Dear Mr. Witry:
Our hiring partner doesn’t like you. I don’t like you either. You’d better watch yourself.
Dear Mr. Witry:
We are unable to offer you a position as an attorney at this time. However, you may qualify for several other open positions with our city, including Janitor I, Street Sweeper, and Part-Time Rec League T-Ball Coach. Please contact us to set up a time to interview for one of these positions.
Dear Mr. Witry:
Your resume is a litany of disappointment. We advise you to quit school now and spare yourself the mortification of eternal failure.
Dear Mr. Witry:
We apologize for a mistake in our most recent correspondence. We did not mean to say you should be hauling away garbage. We meant to say you should be hauled away as garbage.
Dear Mr. Witry:
Thank you for applying for employment. We cannot offer you a position at this time because we prefer our applicants to have more self-confidence.

*editor’s note: we doubt these are real.

Zombies not the cause of noise in Room 104

by Lacey Rammell-O’Brien

There I was, diligently transcribing Professor Anderson’s study visuals from the board onto my laptop screen (what does “circle circle circle, A, LC, arrow” stand for again?), lulled into trance-like contemplation by the denim-colored stripes of Anderson’s new shirt and black suspenders when suddenly the intricacies of MBCA § 6.40 were drowned out by some kind of loud, low droning.
Since it was Halloween, my first thought went to zombies. But zombies don’t exist, I reminded myself.
What about those 1L’s? They’ve had that vacant, zombie-like stare lately. And I’m pretty sure I heard a small group of them saying “BRAAAAIN! BRAAAIN!” the other day. That’s pretty common 1L behavior. Then again, they could also have been saying “BRIAAAAN! BRIAAAAN!” Buckham’s name over and over in an attempt to absorb the entire outline through meditation.
With zombies having been ruled out, what could all the fuss next door possibly be?
The noise, the bipolar temperatures, the new dance floor in the hallway...suddenly it all came together. The law school is under construction! But why? What could have caused this strangely timed venture into renovation land? To what deviant cause could I blame… er, attribute this disruption to my legal education?
Only the most logical source.
Eric Haley, I am calling you out. This construction project is completely and entirely your fault. I always knew that your “creativity” and “sense of humor” and “incredibly chiseled features” would get all of us into trouble one day. I am, of course, referring to your Inter Alia article from last winter.
You thought that we’d forgotten about that little article, didn’t you? Or maybe you were just hoping that we had. Listen, just because I have the attention span of an A.D.D. Chihuahua doesn’t mean that you can pull a fast one and expect me not to notice the connection. You went too far, Haley.
Nobody, not NOBODY, makes fun of Dean Burnett’s overhead projectors and Dean Seamon’s horse and buggy. You knew full well that Burnett’s grandfather had bartered five bushels of lentils at the Farmer’s Market for each and every one of those overhead projectors.
You overstepped your bounds, and now the administration is exacting their revenge. Thanks a lot, funny man.
Sure, Seamon tries to cover up the conspiracy by promising to tell the construction workers to “pipe” down while they place pipe in 104. No man uses puns that bad unintentionally. Now he’s just toying with us.
So let this construction serve as a warning for all of you so-called potential “humor” writers… don’t target the technology in the law school unless you’re willing to have all of us pay the price.
And someone please give the 1L’s some fresh Buckham outlines before they start searching for fresh brains.

Stepping Out: Professor Dumbledore denies allegations that he is gay, loves witch

by Josh Studor

by Josh Studor

“I am not gay. I never have been gay. I love my students and my life’s work teaching at Hogwart’s School for Witchcraft and Wizardry,” Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, 126, told reporters last week.
“It is simply outrageous to imply that my friendship with Gellert Grindelwald was anything more than a healthy, non-sexual, relationship between two wizards.”
Dumbledore’s comments came after author J.K. Rowling outed the acclaimed wizard at a Carnegie Hall lecture in late October of this year. At the lecture, a young Harry Potter fan asked Rowling if Dumbledore had ever been in love.
“My truthful answer to you,” she replied, “I always thought of Dumbledore as gay.” She then went on to say that Dumbledore was blinded to the evil nature of Grindelwald because he had fallen in love with the dark wizard.
“The allegations are simply outrageous,” Dumbledore said at a London press conference held days after Rowling’s comments.
Dumbledore has already scheduled an hour-long interview with Rita Skeeter on the muggle TV program 60-Minutes. Reports indicate that he will bring someone who Dumbledore calls his real true love – a witch who lives in Chicago with her three children from a different wizard.
It appears as though Dumbledore’s political and professional life could be over soon. Calls for his resignation from the Wizengamot came in almost immediately and he has already lost is position as chair of the International Confederation of Wizards. The loudest voice came from self-proclaimed protector of the morals and decency, Dolores Umbridge.
“Won’t somebody please think of the children,” she cried out from the Wizengamot floor.
Rowling’s statements are not the first alluding to Dumbledore alternative sexuality.
Rumors of Dumbledore’s proclivities erupted following the now infamous Prefect scandal of the 1980s. In 1984, former defense against the dark arts professor Amycus Carrow resigned after it was revealed that he had been involved with the male prefects from Slytherin House. In the midst of the controversy, Dumbledore, who had not been accused at the time, held a press conference denying any involvement.
“Its a, ‘Bad boy, Mr. Carrow. You’re a naughty boy,’” Dumbledore said. “I’m going to speak out for the students of my house, who in the majority think that Amycus Carrow is probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy.”
An independent investigation by the Ministry of Magic’s top Aurors absolved Dumbledore of wrong doing but the rumors that Dumbledore had been involved never truly subsided.
Just last year, the interview of an anonymous source published in the Quibbler alleged that Dumbledore had met up with men in a variety of muggle bathrooms. The source went on to say that nothing ever happened because the men would see the 100-year-old wizard’s foot tapping under the stall wall and say, “Nu uh grandpa. You look nothing like your picture on Craigslist.”
Last summer, The Daily Profit published a series of articles about all the rumors but came to no conclusion. However, one particular charge that Dumbledore “cruised” a man at a broom store in London in 1994 prompted a direct response:
“I’ve been in this business more than 50 years in the public eye here,” Dumbledore said, “I don’t go around anywhere hitting on wizards, and by God, if I did, I wouldn’t do it in Diagon Alley! Jiminy.”
The current allegations have lead to wide-spread speculation. One of the most common beliefs is that Dumbledore spurned He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named while he was a student at Hogwarts. This, speculators say, is why He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named hates Dumbledore so much.
“It would explain a lot,” Professor Minerva McGonagall said. “Back in the ‘60s, when Voldemort was at Hogwarts, he had many older male friends who other students avoided. I caught him lurking around outside the headmaster’s office several times. I always just assumed he was plotting to kill the professor.”
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named refused to comment, but cursed Dumbledore for being incapable of love.
Dumbledore’s outing has also prompted conjecture as to other individuals with whom Dumbledore associated – most notably regarding The Boy Who Lived.
“That Potter boy and him had something going on; that’s for sure,” Lucius Malfoy said while peeking through the door of Severus Snape’s private quarters. “I mean, how else did a half-blood get to be Dumbledore’s favorite?”
As of the time of publication, Harry Potter had not returned this reporter’s owls.

IMAX prompts law school’s move to Boise

by Eric Haley

If you aren’t aware, the law school is about to get a little face lift called Boise. Details are still being worked out and the law school, to some extent, will maintain a Moscow campus but the writing is on the wall, Boise is about to get “Vandalized.”
Dean Seamon sat down with Inter Alia and explained:
The move to Boise is a touchy subject but we have to face the facts, Moscow is never going to get an IMAX theater. The faculty took the annual road trip to Boise this summer and numero uno on the itinerary was Transformers at the IMAX and it did not disappoint.”
However, it did raise questions about the future of the law school. More then once, Professor MacDonald was shooshed for asking “Are you seeing this? Can somebody explain to me why we are in Moscow? Look at the size of that robot! Seriously, anybody, why are we in Moscow when the IMAX is here in Boise, who decides?”
Sure, it was unsettling, but Seamon was determined to exercise caution in the face of the beautiful cinematic experience.
“You can’t just uproot a law school because of a theater……or can you?” he asked
The van ride to Applebee’s was somber to say the least. Professor ONeal tried to lighten the mood with a sarcastic quip, “Hey, what about that preview for the Bee Movie? We can all get together at my place to watch it on the 36 inch flat screen… sigh …when it comes out on DVD.”
Seamon said he was still holding out hope at that point that everyone was just hungry and a Riblet basket would soothe the ache to move to Boise. When they reached Applebee’s, everyone piled out of the van except one fuming individual.
Seamon asked Professor Goble if he wanted to join us for the “Spa for the tastebuds” that is Applebee’s but he gave him a look that made Nietzsche look like Paddington Bear.
“Any hoo, we got our table and the atmosphere was AMAZING!” Seamon said. “A look to the left introduced a happy family laughing as junior dropped his Wingy-ding in his lap, a look to the right would get you a rowdy group of blue-collar workers toasting their beers ‘To Applebees!,’ I tell ya, it was just like the commercials!”
But then the good times were shattered by a tornado of white beard and lockes. Professor Goble stormed the table with a pop quiz.
“Do not turn this over until I say so, you have 20 seconds to finish,” he bellowed.
“For God Sakes, man, how can you do this?!” cried out Dean Brandt.
“This town has a Chilis!” he replied and left the table in the same hurried fashion shaking his head in disappointment and stopping only at the entrance to shout “BEGIN!”
The group flipped the quiz over, and to everyone’s horror, there was only one question: 1. Moscow, WHY? : ( (answer must be 10 words exactly with no words breaching 7 letters).
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The group of Applebees goers all looked up, sharing a moment of realization that gives the soul goosebumps.
Finally, Professor Beard spoke up with the shot heard round the state, “Dean, you know it, I know it. Hell junior over yonder with his sloppy-ass wingy ding stained pants knows it. If Idaho Law is going to grow, and by grow I mean be close to the IMAX and anything not Applebees, we have to move the campus to Boise.”
The table went silent until a small, chipper voice broke in:
“Hi my name is Candice, I will be your server, can I start anyone off with some drinks?”
“No thanks Candice, we have a law school to move,” said Professor Anderson. “Ummm… how do you get to Chili’s? Or heck, why not live a little, what about Fridays? T.G.I. Fridays that is.”

LARPs confused, disappointed by recent LRAP presentation

by Jordan Taylor

A handful of students met certain disappointment at the recent PILG presentation on Loan Repayment Assistance Programs. Apparently, some students thought they were attending a presentation on LARP (Live Action Role Playing). Instead the presentation was on LRAP (Loan Repayment Assistance Programs). It is uncertain if the mistake was due to a misprint or a misreading of signs and emails.
“I knew some people were confused when I saw a few students wearing medieval body armor and elf ears at the meeting,” said PILG President Jordan Taylor. “I want to be perfectly clear, PILG in no way supports or endorses Live Action Role Playing by anybody over the age of 12. Frankly, these people should be ashamed of themselves.”
There was audible disappointment in the room when the handful of LARPs realized the mistake. A few left immediately, battle axes in hand. Others, obviously embarrassed, tried to “pretend” they actually intended to attend the presentation on Loan Forgiveness.
Dan Davenport, director of financial aid, was also confused. He opened the presentation by wondering aloud, “What are all these dorks doing here?”
Eric Haley was among the disappointed LARPs. “When I walked in to the meeting, I was like ‘Wow, no way there are so many LARPs in the law school.’ Turns out I was right.”
“We are going to do everything we can to make sure this doesn’t happen again,” said Taylor, “I think an SBA resolution banning Live Action Role Playing, and expelling participants from the College of Law, would be a good start.”

Whole school sued for copyright infringement

by Ty Bair

Early Monday morning, very nearly every member of the Idaho Law community, including professors, students, administrative staff, clinic personnel, and custodians, was served with a “settlement letter” from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), which seeks damages for alleged violations of artist copyrights. The charges come in response to the recent arrest of Sean “Moscova Bazaar” Beck, who has for the last two years sold thousands of pieces of illegally copied music, movies, and novelty items in the basement of the Menard College of Law Building.
The accusations themselves are varied. 1L Andreus Schou is accused of downloading 1983’s Huey Lewis and the News work, Sports, the original release of which he actually remembers. 3L William Fletcher allegedly downloaded “dozens” of tracks by songstress Sarah McLachlan, including four different live versions of “Building a Mystery.” The only student who has not been charged with copyright infringement is 3L Lindsey Simon, who, astonishingly, paid for the sound tracks to High School Musical and High School Musical 2.
Some students have already moved to settle. 3L student Mindy Willman admits she downloaded the explicit version of NWA’s Straight Outta Compton, which is actually pretty awesome. Not surprisingly, 2L Neal Burns denied having downloaded the sound track to The Little Mermaid. Sole Canadian, Danielle Rowand, denies RIAA’s allegation that she downloaded Bryan Adams’s entire discography, although she admits to having downloaded a lot of Tragically Hip and Barenaked Ladies tracks.
Reactions to the RIAA’s actions have been mixed. Local musician “Hair Metal” Luke B. expressed support, although he declined to give his full name to this reporter, for fear of his safety. “I’ve worked for a lot of years to cultivate a hard-rock persona. It’s bullshit that someone can just download a copy of Appetite for Destruction and start aping my style without spending a penny. I bought that album on cassette!”
Mr. B. then threw the horns.
Other musicians were more ambivalent. “Fuck the RIAA. I’ve never made any money off music and they shouldn’t either,” said singer-songwriter Trent B., who also declined to give his full name.
The actual effect of the RIAA’s legal threats may be minimal. Most members of the College of Law community, with the obvious exception of Katherine Spenner, are totally judgment proof. Furthermore, intellectual property experts Professors Bridy and Anderson note RIAA will probably sue a number of students across the street for every one of us it sues, potentially making us a long-term profit by drumming up business. Professor Anderson is himself accused of trademark violation, having marketed a signature line of yellow and red silk neckties, allegedly in violation of an existing trademark.
In related news, Motion Picture Association of America process servers have thus far failed in their attempts to serve a complaint on Professor Williams, whom they accuse of downloading and watching the entire series run of Sex and the City. Twice.

College of Law approaches 1,000th “Be quiet” message

by Eric Haley

The students at the University of Idaho School of Law are abuzz this semester and the topic of conversation isn’t as centered around the Judicial branch of government as one might think. The school populace remains on pins and needles eager to watch the shattering of a milestone that many thought could never be reached. The next electronic mail (E-mail) requesting silence in the library will be the school’s 1000th mass communication on the subject.
“Back in 1800-and-something-or-other when the school was founded, the faculty had a bet as to when the school’s postal horseman would deliver the 300th letter requesting silence in the library, consensus was reached on the year 2753”, reported Dean Brandt. “Well, they were way off!”
“They didn’t bother predicting when the 500th mass request would come out because the founding Dean’s felt like the world would have long ceased due to the sun exploding into a red giant before it was necessary.”
University of Idaho Law School Historian Rose Duffy told this Inter Alia insider, “Yep. People have bitched about noise in the library ever since it was necessary to send actual paper mail but the “boo-hooeyness” really hit its stride with the invention of Morse Code. Take a gander at this little piece of University of Idaho Law history dated 1900 and 12 in the year of our Lord: Beep-beep-bu-beep-beep-beep. Can’t translate that? Didn’t think so, guess that is why I am the historian. It says, ‘Students, please be silent in the library, fellow students are trying to study.’ It was transmitted 215 times between 1912 and 1954. A little factoid most students are unaware of dates back to 1953, when a student actually hired a barber shop quartet to deliver a singing telegram to the student body at large requesting…SIIII-LEEENCE in THEEE LIBRARY….uh bom bom bom shooby du wop!”
The world wide web has been the single most important tool in the quest for 1000 by allowing students to tattle at the speed of light however, some students still resist the urge.
Two-L Nick Peterson commented, “I study in the library. Sometimes people walk by me and make eye contact with each other and that alone pisses me off. More then once, this has led to fleeting conversation as they pass by. When it happens, I usually repeat “There’s no place like home” over and over again until the rage subsides. Most of the time it works even if I am not wearing my ruby reds that day. Sure, it would be nice to go messy in my diaper and fire off a complaint to the SBA Sergeant at Arms but if I do I feel like it would just validate these verbal terrorists.”
When asked to gauge the effectiveness of “Be quiet in the library” e-mails on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being “Yeah, when I read one I am totally reminded of the forgotten fact that the library is not a place to socialize so I shut my trap”) 2L Emma Wilson said, “Oh, I have my email set so that any emails with the words “library and silence” go to my spam folder so I have to give them a 1. But thats changing today out of respect for the 999 tattlers who got us here. My team is thinking about having Powder Puff practice in the second floor just so we can say we were the 1000th. WHOO HOO!

Larry Craig Redefines "Gay

by Josh Studor

As has been widely reported, three-term U.S. Senator and UI alumnus Larry Craig resigned last week after his conviction for disorderly conduct became public. In pleading guilty, Craig admitted that there was a factual basis to the allegations that he had attempted to solicit lewd conduct from an under-cover male police officer in a public Minneapolis airport bathroom.

Though he had previously admitted to the conduct, Craig now claims that his actions were nothing more than an awkwardly wide stance while using the crapper and a paper mirage.

But, much to the elation of political humorists – and people with the sense of humor of a fifth grader – the story doesn’t end there.

Following the initial report in Roll Call, Craig held a press conference to discuss the allegations. At that conference he thanked everyone for “coming out” and told reporters, “Let me be clear. I am not gay and never have been gay.”

This statement set off shockwaves throughout the whole gay community. Prior to Craig’s definitional clarification, gay people assumed that being gay meant being attracted to members of the same sex rather than members of the opposite sex. Now, everything is nutty.

Apparently, that means that men can solicit other men for sex in a bathroom, hook up with other dudes shopping at a Boise R.E.I., and have oral sex with another man in D.C.’s Union Station and not actually be gay. The logical extension of his definition is that men can generally have sex with other men and not be gay.

Such a realization sparked joy from at least one University of Idaho Law Student. “Ha! I knew it,” shouted Josh McCarthy. “I am gayer than Josh Studor.”

Following Craig’s press conference, at least one gay man called his mothers to say, “Hey mom. Did you see? I’m not gay. Yes, I still exclusively have sex with men and yes, you will still be able to complain about me not providing you with any grand children. But I’m not gay!”

During the press conference, the senator added to his definition of “gay” saying, “I love my wife, my family, I care about friends and staff and Idaho, I love serving this great state. There are still goals I would like to accomplish and I believe I can still be an effective leader for this state.”

Clearly, if you love your wife and family, care about your friends and staff and Idaho you can’t be gay. If you have goals you would like to accomplish or if you can still be an effective leader, you are not gay.

Though not reported, Craig went on to say, “of course I am not gay. I was in a fraternity.”

It has been widely reported that Idaho Gov. Butch Otter will appoint Lt. Gov. Jim Risch as Craig’s replacement, however, there is no word about whether Risch plans to solicit men for public sex. Also, there has been no word about just how butch Otter is.

Cop takes back airport restroom

by Eric Haley

Another week, another political scandal. This one needs no introduction and I will save the obvious comedic route for the big boys like Robin Williams and Carrot Top. And besides, its hard to conjur cynicism at such a time of National celebration, LET FREEDOM RING AMERICA!
Through brave undercover operations involving strategic toilet stall monitoring and one cop who risked his life to portray the shins and feet of the criminal element, the police have taken back our (as in, We the people) Air port public restrooms, let’s dance!
Do you remember the days when the Air port public restrooms were a haven for strangers of the same sex to unwind and let their kids play after a long flight? Boy, I sure can. I remember being giddy with excitement when the Captain announced our decent into “Who gives a damnville” ( I couldn’t be bothered with questions of destination, I had visions of urinal cakes dancing in my head).
“Father, tell me, tell me, is the men’s room at this air port swell?”
“Son, when I was a boy, this was the best Air port restroom ever. Urinals short and tall, lined the walls in the Grown up’s “new arrival meet and greet” area, and there were stalls as far as the eye can see for boys to crawl under and be rascals.”
“Oh boy! I sure hope this one has hot air hand dryers and not the boring old paper towels.” I said with anticipation that rivaled a run to the tree on Christmas morning.
“We will just have to see when we get there.” He said with a knowing wink (Years later my father confessed he knew there would be hot air hand dryers but he didn’t want to ruin the surprise)
“Hooray! This shitter sounds fantastic!”
“I know son, I know.”
But what was once an oasis of wholesome family oriented fellowship had degenerated into a den of sins of the flesh. The meet and greets turned into meat markets and you could forget trusting the stall users to ignore the children playing under their feet. Yes, the children’s laughter and jovial exchanges were replaced with unspeakable propositions to engage in sexual activity in quiet possibly the most bacteria-laden environment on the planet. Soon, the Air port public restroom became what it is today, an icy prison used only to excrete bodily waste and move on.
But as American’s were we to stand by and let the criminal element takeover one of the relics that makes America great? If criminals looking for a discrete romp with strangers could invade the stalls where our children crawled and played, then why the hell do we have a police force? Thankfully, one police force in Minneapolis had enough and decided to take the fight to these harmless but unquestionably gross criminals. If these criminals were going to hide in the stalls and use code to discretely communicate their wish to do evil then, well by God, an under cover agent of lady justice would be waiting in the stall next to them. The seedy element of society has been put on notice, if you want discrete anonymous sex, the Air port public restroom better not be on your places to visit.
I don’t have a kid, or really want one but if I had one, and it was a boy (or a girl if it becomes socially acceptable for me to take her to the women’s room) I would proudly fly him to Minneapolis and when the plane lands I would look down into his eyes and choking back tears I would tell him,
“C’mon son, there’s a little piece of the Apple Pie, once taken by evil but now back in the hands of the citizens thanks to the undercover police, you go play in the stalls in the restroom when we land, Daddy’s gotta drop a deuce.”

Deep Thoughts

by R.J. Linnan

As possible, I respond to letters in a column called “Dear, RJ.” Since it’s early, and I don’t have any questions, I give you dear readers a short list of thoughts overheard in the first three weeks of school, and relayed to me by a mind reading law student who wishes to remain anonymous.

• Jesus, did they catch E.T in the lobby?
• One more SECOND of DIVERSITY training, and I am going to choke someone.
• Lawyers drink too much. I GET IT!!
• Does Dean Burnett use any words that AREN’T in Black’s Law Dictionary?
• This chick bugs me.
• What time does the liquor store close?
• 15 minutes left.
• Who IS this chick??
• “Whereas.” What an ass.
• “Last night it was Guinness, Scotch, and Grand Marnier.” – “Oh, so it was like an embassy party.”
• “As a prosecutor, you’re going to find a lot of your witnesses are scumbags.” I wonder if he is including cops.
• I must have been reading from the wrong part of the book.
• Why does that guy PERPETUALLY have sunglasses on his head?
• How does she talk that fast?
• Great. Introductions again. I REALLY don’t want to know any more about this person
• Is it too late to go to business school?
• Is RJ DANCING??
• Who told Kenzo he could sing?
• Did I call him a douchebag on Saturday? Ah, shit… I think I called him a douchebag on Saturday.
• Re-distribute all the wealth, huh, Che McCarthy?
• So bored
• How many frickin’ IM windows does she have open??
• For the love of GOD it’s hot in this room. Why can’t there just be ONE TEMPERATURE in this f-ing building??
• Please don’t call on me. Please don’t call on me.
• Suck up.
• A wide stance huh?
• Wait. Larry Craig never hit on me.
• Giant sucking noise, huh? I thought that was just Moscow.
• Giant sucking noise? Maybe it was coming from Senator Craig’s office.

For future Inter Alia issues, please send your Dear RJ questions to rjlinnan@vandals.uidaho.edu. Past questions have included queries into the reason that pedestrians and bicyclists in Moscow are such ridiculously annoying idiots, confrontations with teachers, confrontations with classmates, and Lance Armstrong’s testicles, so feel free to write on whatever topic you’d like, and I will look forward to trying to help.

Law School Dos and Don'ts

by Mark Coppin
Don’t: Submit articles to Inter Alia with the sole purpose of offending the entire student body. Doing this may create a dangerous bottleneck of would-be complainers attempting to gain access to the Dean’s office. Here’s a tip: If you must offend, attempt to alienate a single student or group of students one week at a time. This will create a steady, manageable stream of complaints and drama and avoid the dangerous deluge of torch wielding villagers.
Do: Recycle. Even if you hate the environment, trees, and dirt worshiping hippies, it is just easier to throw your plastic bottle in the bin marked “Plastic Only” than it is to listen to the tree huggers whine. Save the eardrums! Recycle.
Don’t: Rush in to the classroom before the other class has had a chance to get up out of their seats and exit the classroom. As eager as you may be to dive in to the day’s learning, it’s not going to happen any faster by rushing the room. The professor will still wait until the designated start time and you’re only going to make the aisles feel like Wal-Mart on back-to-school weekend.
Do: Get involved in clubs and organizations/Attend social events. You are not allowed to complain about the law school, Moscow, or North Idaho if you refuse to participate and contribute to the efforts to make life here a little better.
Don’t: Raise your hand in class. While you may think we all care that you used to work in a job that gives you some special insight into the practical application of some concept, we really don’t. Do not waste our time because you feel the need to supplement the course materials with your own anecdotal observations about life in the small town where you grew up. If you find yourself starting a comment with “As a [insert qualifying characteristic]…” stop! Take a deep breath.
Do: Raise your hand in class to answer questions. We all have to chip in folks. The awkward silence that follows a professor’s plea for “anyone” who may know the answer is almost as painful as the annoying sound of the same two people answering questions every day. To make matters worse these people are often the same people guilty of instructing professors (see above). Take one for the team. Raise your hand every now and then.
Don’t: Stare at your neighbors’ laptop screen. If the student next to you chooses to play solitaire, send instant messages, shop for shoes, write in their blog, check sports scores, or even look at porn, it’s none of your business. If you feel the need to complain to professors about the things appearing on the surrounding screens, you probably need a life. We take finals on the same notebooks in the same classrooms. Get in the habit of keeping your eyes on your own work.
Do: Shower and use deodorant. You know who you are and your odor bothers us almost as bad as your whining about recycling.
Don’t: “Phu” the food. Contrary to what many students may think, nobody owes you a free lunch. If you want to partake of the bribe, at least have the decency to stay for the meeting. Also, staying for the meeting means at least pretending to pay attention.
Editor’s Note:
Phu (foo) verb
1. To attend a meeting or law school event simply to eat the food.
[origin: Vietnamese. Meaning a strange, fashion-challenged law student who goes to everything event that has free food including, but not limited to, The Federalist Society and the ACLU meetings.]
Do: Encourage your student organization to find something other than pizza to serve at meetings.
Don’t: Attempt to quiet your neighbors in the carrels next door by means of some passive aggressive strategy. This includes; Screaming “SHHHHH” to no one, Stating loudly something about someone being “rude” or a “jerk”, sending emails to the SBA, and complaining to the administration. As much as his or her conversation might be bugging you, you are probably going to bug everyone else even more. Here’s a tip: Here at U of I we strive to become lawyers, people who function in our adversarial legal system. If you are so afraid of conflict that you can’t even speak to your classmate about possibly lowering his or her voice, perhaps you should consider another career. I understand there is a great program for high school guidance counselors across the street.

So you've got a job at a big firm

by Michael Witry

I’m delighted to have the opportunity to say a few words to you kids down at Idaho, not least because I had always thought that Idaho was a hoax perpetuated by Rand McNally to sell atlases, and I was pleased to discover that apparently there really is an Idaho. Anyway, it was five years ago when I graduated from a law school so exclusive that its name is never spoken aloud and you must have your soul examined by the god Anubis to gain entry. I was one of the lucky ones, who used my contacts, my background and my ferocious networking skills to get a position here at Jay, Kaye, and Ellomenopee, which has been rated as the eighth best firm in America ten years running by the editors of Law Firm Vanity Press Magazine.
I understand that many of you, despite your inferiority to me, will soon be working at Big Firms, and I’ve compiled a short list of techniques to help you get to the top.
• Always make the senior partners feel appreciated. When I was younger, I tended to approach them with a smile and a handshake, but I’ve since moved on. Now, when a senior partner approaches, I stand at attention and blow on an antique bos’n’s whistle, then announce “Senior partner approaching!”
• Consider shaving your head. Daily shaves are much faster than hair maintenance, especially if you’re a woman, and the time saved there could be spent on something billable.
• Your office should contain some personal touches to impress your clients. If you have no personality, try paying a visit to the local elementary school. The garbage cans usually contain some ill-conceived artwork that you can display on your desk and imply belong to your children.
• Most big firms are located in big cities with many cultural opportunities. Unfortunately, those cultural opportunities take a lot of time and aren’t billable. Save some time by hanging around the exits and asking people to describe what they just saw.
• If you’re interested in marriage, I would recommend against ordering a Russian mail-order spouse. They’re pricey, the INS doesn’t like them, and other people will suspect you are unable to attract a spouse. Consider a North Korean spouse instead. They’re cheaper and are virtually indistinguishable from “legitimate” South Koreans.
• Everyone knows that lawyers can get in trouble for using drugs, but how can you keep up with the competition without a little boost? I don’t see anything in the Model Rules of Professional Conduct about energy drinks or herbal supplements. I like to get a mixture of seven or eight supplements in a candy dish and grab a fistful when I’m feeling tired.
• Sometimes judges and your opponents will imply that your work product isn’t up to snuff, merely because you were assigned to the project three hours before it was due. They just don’t understand big firm life. Defend your reputation by giving them copies of your firm’s recruiting guide. That’ll show them what a great lawyer you are.
• Make sure the music in your office isn’t too calm, lest it cause you to fall asleep. Sleep is for the weak. You don’t need it. I used to play Slavic folk dances over the speakers to keep me from dozing off, but I’ve since discovered a local band called The Sudden Loud Noise Experience.
• Paralegals and office help are the stairs on the ladder to success. Feel free to walk all over them.
• The occasional schizophrenic episode is normal. Seeking professional help would just reduce your billable hours, and how would you make partner then? Besides, I’ve found that the aliens from the planet Grebnulak are a great help in motion practice.
• You may notice that some of your old law school buddies aren’t in big firms and may appear to be happy. Ha! We’ll see who’s happy when you make partner, buy their bank, and foreclose on everything they own.

That’s just long enough to count as a publication on my resume, so I’ll cut off here with one last word for the wise: when the nukes start flying, big firm people will all get spots in the bunkers and the rest of you won’t.

The Thrill of the (Ambulance) Chase

by Aaron Crary

It’s no secret that for the summer after my second year of law school I went to work for my father and his two partners at their law firm in Spokane. The interview process was tough, but with some good contacts and an exceedingly competitive resume prepared, they realized that I would be the best fit.
Naturally the men and their staff received me with suspicious warmth, but I was eager to learn and the awkward familiarity lasted only a relatively short time. I bounced around from projects early on, whether it was sorting through medical records, researching dog bites or helping the wrongfully accused keep their drivers’ licenses my intent was to waste no time in proving I was a worthy member of the team.
And things went well to start. I got along with all the staff. The lawyers had a lot of projects to keep me busy. I was progressing at a good pace. I found my first two years of law school at U of I had helped prepare me well for the real world practice of law.
But my true test for early lawyerhood came about a month and a half into the summer when I was called to learn a bit about the world of personal injury law. My dad is a personal injury lawyer. Naturally he is very familiar with all the “ambulance chaser” comments and the “one call that’s all” jokes, but he has learned to compose himself very well in this specialized area of practice. One day he approached me as I sat in my little intern cubicle and invited me to come along on some personal injury lawyerly business.
The day was mostly uneventful: a deposition, BS-ing with some other lawyers my dad’s age, and then a little father/son lawyer lunch. “Son I am real proud of you,” he interjected after a few solemn moments of silence while we sat at a Mexican restaurant for lunch. “You’ve been doing a great job here. I just want you to know I am real proud of you.” I nodded.
He continued. “You know son. I think I am going to take you up to Gonzaga to show you some things. You’ve been around long enough; I think you’re ready.”
“OK,” I responded, somewhat at a loss for words because I was not sure really what he had in mind. We finished lunch, hoped into the car and headed towards the local law school my dad and all his partners graduated from.
Upon arriving my 53 year old, gray haired father first took me on a car tour of the campus. I had been there before, but it was nice to see the school after so many years. The next stop was to the law school itself. Though it spent many years in tier 4, the school was very new and very nice inside. It made my wonder how the school had done so poorly in the past.
After spending a good hour inside the halls, my dad took me to our last location. I was somewhat confused and waited a good couple of minutes for my silent father to explain to me why we were at the university’s running track. He kept silent as if in waiting longer it would all make sense to me.
Nevertheless he finally did speak. But it was not a conversation that preceded, it was something like a declaration. “Aaron,” his voice rung. “As you know, there are people everyday who find themselves struggling with the faults and negligences of their closest brethren.”
“You also know that I practice personal injury law. And I do this because it is my goal to make right those who have suffered the wrongs of others in the only way I can. Justice, Aaron. Justice provides payment to those for the injuries others have caused them.”
“So son, that is why I bring you here today. Yes, you are here at the running track. I bring you here for a reason, one that you will understand as you grow and mature in your own practice of law. I can’t teach you the full understanding behind this, but what I can teach you now is that you must at all times keep your wits about you. Always be prepared Aaron; always be ready. Do you understand? Aaron, Do you understand?” He kept chanting. I nodded.
“Aaron do you understand!” he screamed. I yelled back, “Yes I understand!” I didn’t. He eyed me curiously. “If you understand Aaron then start running.”
“What” I asked.
“Run, Aaron run!” With no idea what I was doing I took off, sprinting along the outer rim of the track. I sprinted as hard as I could, no clue as to why, only intent on making my father happy. I ran many laps. I lost count how many times I ran around the track, but I do know I was getting close to passing out when my father finally pulled me over to the side. I was drooling and could hardly see straight.
“Good job Aaron. You worked hard. I knew you could do it.” I wasn’t sure what I had done or whether it was done well or not but I took my father’s word for it, whatever it meant.
My new suit was soaked full of sweat, but my father ignored this and embraced me, somehow proud of what I had done. We walked back to the car and we said very little to each other, him occasionally patting me on the back. I had not been this connected to my father in some time, the only problem was is that I didn’t know why. All I could gather was for some reason my trip to the Gonzaga law school and me sprinting around the track was somehow special to him.
We were getting close to the car. I was so tired and sweaty I resolved to figure out the true meaning of all this at another time. “Well, thanks dad,” I whispered, half looking in his direction. He said nothing in response, focused on something entirely out of our control. “Listen Aaron,” he hummed. I stopped. What was it; what was my dad now talking about?
Moments later I heard the cry of a distant emergency vehicle. Normally this would have meant nothing to me, but now there seemed some special significance. I waited moments longer to make sure my ears weren’t playing tricks on me. No, true enough it was an ambulance.
I began to focus. It all seemed to make sense now; somehow I had an understanding of what I must do. I waited for a few moments. When I could see the vehicle I bolted. I started running after the vehicle harder than I had ever run before. Any thoughts of my earlier trials were forgotten as I focused all my energy on catching that ambulance.
I could see in the distance where the vehicle was turning and I cut, an obvious move to get a direct route to the car. Yes, I made a good move. It was at a red light, waiting to turn in the direction I was now heading. There was no question; it would come right for me. It was within my grasp, yes, it was amazing I would have it that easily on my first outing. Just one turn past a building and I would have it.
I came to the building and turned as quick as I could, not faltering a step. As I looked around the corner I could see it, now getting ready to move through the green light; I was almost on it.
I sprinted, but unfortunately I did not make it. In turning the corner I saw it all fall away as my face went straight into the pavement. Everything went black. Moments later I woke up and saw the street woman that I had tripped over staring at me. “You ok man?” Tears welling up in my eyes as I wiped the blood from my forehead all I could do was shake my head.
My father came on the scene minutes later asking me if I was alright. I continued shaking my head then looked up, “Father, I have failed you,” I whispered. He bent down and picked me up, placing my arm over his shoulders. “No you didn’t Aaron. You did fine. It takes a long time to be a good ambulance chaser.”
He helped me back to the car, wiping the tears and blood from my face as we went.

Dear RJ

by RJ Linnan

Confidential to DVT
Blue Grapefruit. BLUE GRAPEFRUIT! DEAR, GOD, BLUEGRAPEFRUITBLUEGRAPEFRUIT!!!

• • •

Dear RJ,
I thought that the designation of classes as 2L or 3L was merely a warning that a designated 2L course could conflict with a required or bar related 3L course, and not that a designated course would be reserved for one class or the other. Can you explain this?
Student who Can’t Really Enter What Ever Division

Dear SCREWED,
Clearly you fail to understand the fact that students in law school shouldn’t get to choose which teacher they take a given class from. Just because the previous policy was to simply be a planning factor for when classes would be offered doesn’t mean that the administration shouldn’t change the policy and give priority to 2L’s. Never mind that 3Ls might actually need the class for when they graduate. Even though every registration process in higher education across the country is generally first-come, first-serve, doesn’t mean that our school should do it that way. Just take bankruptcy instead of tax. They’re basically the same thing.

• • •

Dear RJ,
I am confused by the many different statements that I am asked to make here at law school. I thought that jeans were for rape awareness, red ribbons were for heart health awareness, pink ribbons were for breast awareness, and yellow ribbons meant that I thought Lance Armstrong was hot. A little clarity?
Dumbfounded About Denim

Dear DAD
You have it all wrong. The more important consideration is whether you comply with every request to paint, wear, or pin for whatever the cause du’jour is that day. So, basically, even if there is no rational relationship between a “message” like yellow bracelets and Lance Armstrong’s testicles, or the fact that you were going to wear jeans to school anyway, you still must comply with the request for solidarity or be labeled an asshole.

• • •

Dear RJ
I have a problem with one of my professors. I have never raised my hand in his class, because he would just cut me off anyway. He is always preaching his crazy politics in class and insulting my point of view instead of actually teaching anything and I don’t know what to do?
Really Annoyed at Teacher

Dear RAT
You are absolutely right to not raise your hand and voice your opinions and arguments in class. Why bother when the professor won’t listen anyway? It would probably just offend the professor if you spoke too, and that puts your grade at risk since all professors can access your exam number. What you should do instead of confronting the professor is rush straight to the dean’s office and complain as loudly as possible about your voice being silenced and your opinion going unheard.
When you’re a lawyer, RAT, you won’t have to confront opposing counsel, or a judge who disagrees with you, you’ll just be able to contact the State Bar and issue a complaint because of the disagreement. Ideally a representative from the Bar will come to your rescue by arriving at your next meeting a few minutes late and manage to interrupt your nemesis so you don’t have to do any speaking at all.

The Story of the Three Little Pigs as told by a smart-aleck legal drafting grad

by Josh Studor

for laurie

Definitions:
For the purposes of this story, the following definitions shall be used:
• “Pig:” any of several mammals of the family Suidae which have short legs, cloven hooves, bristly hair and a cartilaginous snout used for digging.
• “Sparrow” means big bad wolf.
• “House” is deemed to mean a place of residence, dwelling, home, or abode.

The Story:
At a point in time prior to the time and date of the day this article is read, three (3) pigs of diminished stature set to depart their home and seek, search out, and look for wealth. Before leaving said home, the pig’s’ mother, that was very wise, said and spoke to the swine saying, “In whatever you do, do it in the best way that you can because that’s the way to get along in the world.”
The pigs each purchased plots of land for the construction and erection of they’re respective houses, that were made from various materials. (1) The first little pig, (Pig 1) caused his/her house to be constructed out of straw since said action did not cost much and was the most easiest thing to do. (2) The second pig (Pig 2) entered into and executed a contract with Contractor to cause his house to be built from sticks of wood. (3) The third pig, (Bob Smith) built his house out of red-bricks.
Commencing on or about a night following the Construction of Each of the Houses, a sparrow named Meany McMeanpants (“Defendant”), that really, greatly, and emphatically enjoyed eating pigs, came up to the Pig 1’s straw home, that was built from straw. Defendant shouted very loudly “little pig, little pig, let me in.”
Vaklempt, the juvenile sow said, “You, the party of the first part shall be unable to affect me, the party of the second part, by any margin herein defined as a ‘hair’ as it relates to the parties’s chinny, chin or chin.”
Defendant sparrow replied, “huh? I don’t understand a word that you just said. So, I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow you’re house in.”
And the sparrow did blow in said house and consumed Pig 1.
The following night, which was after the night on which the first little pig’s house was blown in and the first little pig was eaten and digested by The Sparrow, Defendant came to the house built by Pig 2 and he discovered that the pig Resided in the house; which was built of sticks that were taken from a forest located less than one mile, from where the property Pig 2 purchased, in violation of several local ordinances; and he shouted out to the occupant(s) of said house, “little pig, little pig, let me in.”
The Pig 2 said, “you, the party of the first part shall be unable to affect me, the party of the second part, by any margin hereby defined as a ‘hair’ as it relates to the parties chinny, chin, or chin.”
Again, Meany was confused, and replied, “ OH HELL! I’ll just blow your damn house in.” While the stick house maybe stronger than the straw house it still fell quickly and immediately as Defendant huffed and puffed. Consequently, therefore, the sparrow was able to eat the little pig.
On or about approximately 8:27 PM, Eastern, Standard Time, on the night of 5th of Aug., 2006, which was the night following the two previous Nights, Meany arrived at the house built by the third(3rd) and final pig. The house had been constructed with bricks, and it received a certificate of occupancy by a certified inspector as required by Idaho Code 39-4108. It also further was compliant with all codes, requirements, and contract terms required by the homeowner’s association and it was free of all liens and encumbrances.
Defendant approached the wooden door, which had been painted red and had elaborate inlay, and knocked the brass door knocker. He said, “little pig, little pig, can I come in”?
Bob replied in a firm tone, “Are you nuts? You can not come in. I’m going to get my shotgun so I can protect myself from you. I shall also call the police who can show up here to protect me from you who may injure me or cause me to be injured through your actions, which may be violent in nature.”
Defendant was Puzzled and said nothing but attempted to blow the house in anyway. Because of the structural quality of the brick and thanks to the quality of the construction and oversight, the house did not not stay standing but instead did not blow in. Also, because the house had been caused to be fitted with high-speed- wireless-internet, a security-system, and Bob had a cell-phone, Bob calmly called the police.
Further, Defendant Meany, not knowing the police had been called, attempted and tried to enter the house threw the part of the house build specifically for the release of smoke, which is produced by a substance that produces heat and light. But, before the wolf could get “down” the chimney, the Idaho State Police showed up with a SWAT team and successfully captured and detained the sparrow. The sparrow never again got lose and was tried and convicted of hamicide, malicious destruction of property and attempted hamicide.
Once the story got out to the public, the Idahoans began protesting the reintroduction of sparrows into the “wild”. The public said the principlE(thics) reason why they was angry is that if the state had not reintroduced the sparrows, the little pigs would not have been eaten by the sparrow that did eat the pigs, which were eaten.
Hey prof., We tease ‘cause we can... or is it may?

Police Blotter

“compiled” by Michael Witry

7:21 a.m. - Little black spot observed on sun. No change since yesterday.
8:14 a.m. - Commuters found words of the prophets written on subway walls. Graffiti artists responsible remain at large.
8:46 a.m. - Miss Lottie Lenya found dead of knife wounds down by the river.
9:08 a.m. - Called to intervene in a dispute between neighbors along Hedgerow St. Issued citation to the May Queen for unlawful disposal of bustles.
9:41 a.m. - Arrested a suspect in connection with a slaying along the Mexican border. Suspect offered to plead guilty in exchange for water.
11:22 a.m. - Caller reported a suspicious line of cars, all painted black. Cars turned out to be part of a funeral procession. Complaint dismissed.
11:53 a.m. - Search party for 29 lost sailors called off due to gales of November coming early.
12:19 p.m. - Unattended yellow basket seized at airport.
1:18 p.m. - Investigated trampoline-related disturbance downtown. Advised Mr. Kite and Mr. Henderson that their performance would require a permit from City Hall.
1:38 p.m. - Frog bearing sword and unlicensed firearm stopped near residence of Miss Mousie.
2:44 p.m. - Squatter reported theft of jumbuck. Upon being stopped for questioning, suspect drowned self in billabong. Revival was unsuccessful.
3:38 p.m. - Driver of hot rod Lincoln cited for speeding and reckless driving.
4:18 p.m. - Parents of Little Susie called to report missing daughter. Investigation revealed that Susie and her date fell asleep at the movie theater.
4:46 p.m. - Owner of brand new house by railroad side, made out of rattlesnake hide, cited for violations of building code and zoning regulations.
5:31 p.m. - Advised owner of a broken-down Woody along the surf route to contact a mechanic, rather than attempt to hitchhike in his wetsuit.
7:29 p.m. - Called to disturbance along watchtower, where barefoot servants were denied entrance due to health code. Servants were escorted away.
8:48 p.m. - Investigated reports of dancers who had left their friends behind. Advised dancers to keep everything under control.
9:11 p.m. - Children complained of glass cuts on feet from broken bottles. Several bodies discovered on nearby street.
10:55 p.m. - Confused and intoxicated man found in residential area, complaining that this was not his beautiful house. Cited for public intoxication.
11:06 p.m. - Broke up fight on big dance floor involving man with hair piled high and real square cat with out-of-date wardrobe.
11:31 p.m. - Complaints of excessive noise traced to lonely goatherd, who was cited for keeping a disorderly house.