It's All Fun and Games...

by Amy Stack and Lindsey Simon

In light of the recent grumbling heard around the law school regarding final exams last semester, we humble authors started to wonder if perhaps there was a better way to test students. Taking a cue from the network executives during the writer’s strike, we propose a new law school exam system based entirely on game shows, reality shows, and classic board games.
Torts—American Gladiators
• Re-born in the new millennium like one of its hosts, Hulk Hogan, this exam wants you to “say your prayers and take your vitamins.” Gauntlet, Powerball, and The Eliminator are no match for students on American “Tortfeasor” Gladiators. Exam takers compete by dodging exploding lamps, ducking under trains, side-stepping escaped barrels, and avoiding the swinging madness of the Golfing-Gizmo. This exam will be re-given the following semester and will require steroid screening.
Constitutional Law—Survivor: Guantanamo
• Two words: Survivor: Guantanamo. During this exam, student grades will be based on two factors: (1) how long they can withstand water-boarding, and then (2) correctly answering the yes/no questions, “Was that torture?” So far no one has gotten this one right.
Professional Responsibility—Double Dare
• Marc Summers, reading from the Model Rules of Professional Double Dare will begin your exam with an explanation of the Game: “I’m going to ask you thirty questions, and if you don’t know the answer, or think the other students haven’t got a clue, you can dare them to answer for double the grade points. But be carefully because they can always Double Dare you back for four times the points, and then you’ll either have to answer the questions or take the physical challenge.” Physical challenges may include: “Pie in the Pants,” “Rain on Your Parade,” “Human Taco,” or “Hard-Partying 2L” and “Non-Traditional Student.”

Business Associations—Deal or No Deal
• In this version, student contestants open briefcases to reveal grade points. As the points accumulate, a call comes down from “The Banker” (i.e., Professor Anderson) with an offer for a certain grade. Students are encouraged to remember that a deal’s a deal (and it’s your own dumb fault). And make sure that you don’t confuse your game shows and yell, “Whammys” mid-lecture, or you’ll catch a suspender clip to the mouth.

Family Law—The Price is Right
• After being urged to “Come on down!” students are shown a dysfunctional family and then asked to bid on what spousal support and child support amounts are appropriate. The student that comes closest to the correct amount according to state guidelines advances to the next round. In the Showcase round the students are shown the family “assets” and asked to divide them based upon equitable distribution. And as always, remember to spay and neuter your kid... uh, pets.

Evidence—Family Feud
• All the legal jargon that family members of students have been forced to endure finally pays off in this exam. Spouses, parents, siblings, and children will have to provide category answers based on all those hearsay exceptions you were drunkenly shouting at the television during Law and Order marathons, CSI, and Matlock over Christmas Break.

Criminal Law—Clue Tournament
• The old method of providing an actor, event, and theory in Criminal law exam answers takes a new twist in this tournament of the classic board game. Now students must provide the correct murderer, location, and weapon in order to succeed. E.g., Professor Hasko, in the Law Library, with the microfiche (microfiche thrown at high speeds have been used for decades to sever the carotid arteries of rival librarians).

Bankruptcy—Life Tournament
• It’s the game of Life! Deal with it, Chump.

Trial Skills
• We’re pitching a new game show to NBC execs for this one. Our tagline? “Judge Judy Meets ‘The Most Dangerous Game.’” We haven’t quite figured out how it works yet. All you need to know is that Professor Williams will only give you a five minute head start before he paints the courtroom with your blood.

Sales
• It’s not really a game, but we think it would be a good testing method anyway. This final is a lot like the standard egg/flour sack assignment from high school, in that your grade depends on the condition of your U.C.C. supplement at the end of the semester. A broken spine or excessive tabbing is an automatic grade deduction. Also, you must bear in mind Professor Beard’s care instructions—“Never expose your U.C.C. supplement to direct sunlight. Never get it wet, and most importantly, never, ever feed it after midnight.”

Grades at the U of I are a gamble... literally

by Collin Simonsen
I was in an interview for a job with a prestigious firm a few days ago when the interviewer asked me for my transcript. I reminded him, sheepishly, that I came from the University of Idaho. He said, “I see. Bring it in.”
I then left the room and came back a moment later carting a slot machine.
“Now please understand that I had Goble, MacDonald twice, Beard for Sales that “one year” and Rowland, so I’ll have to do this twice.”
I inserted a quarter into the machine and pulled the lever. As the columns began turning I stared excitedly my eyes bulging with anticipation.
And the first grade was... a “C”! Dang it! I looked at my interviewer nervously. The second grade? “D-”! Dang it! And I had even had the answers for that one! The third grade? “C+”! An improvement at least.
I looked at my interviewer again and said, “It’ll get better I promise.” So I pulled the lever again after inserting another coin. This time it came out “A-”, “A” and “B” plus! Yes! I turned to my future employer and said, confidently, “And since those were second year grades you can tell that I improved.”
“That’s a good point,” he said, “But how do I know they won’t change next week?”
“Well, if I come in next week and they are either substantially the same or better, can I have the job?” I asked.
“We’ll see. Meanwhile, it is now time for my interview with the Harvard law grad., so... yeah, get outta here.”
“Oh, I don’t suppose you even have to look at his grades.”
“Um, No.”
Dejected, I left his office with my grade machine.

Torts Lib

by Eric Haley

Instructions: Read the potential Torts final exam hypo. You will notice words are left out. Fill in the blanks and giggle about it with friends!

Farmer Shickadance runs a big ole farm, with a big ole tractor, a big ole hog pen, a big ole heard of cattle, and a big ole barn. That’s because Farmer Shickdance has a big ole _________(noun). Shickadance was squirrely on his good days and meaner than a 3-________(adj) cougar on his bad days. So he wasn’t amused when two smart-ass teenager’s, Mike and Luke, snuck up on his _____________ (living thing), Ole Bossey, and tipped him/her/it over.
Shickadance said on more than one drunken occasion, “ _______(verb) my farm, _______(verb) my hogs, hell I don’t even lock my barn so if you want to sneak in and _________(verb) a cute little _______(noun) or two, well that’s between you and God. But nobody tips over Ole Bossey Shickadance. That will get a ____________(slang noun) hurt!
Shickadance spent the majority of the day consoling Ole Bossey who was in a state of severe emotional distress and physical pain because the “tipping” had left him/her/it with a broken ____________(body part). The next day, Shickadance woke up to the pungent smell of ________(noun). “Is that smell coming from inside the house or outsi....Oh My God! Bossey!”
Shickdance couldn’t have been more shocked if he had seen __________(living thing) hoola hooping with Barbara Walters in his front yard. During the night, someone had thrown a hot bucket of _______ (liquid) on Ole Bossey. Adding injury to insult, there on the wall smeared in _________ (whatever), was the message: “L and M 4eva!”
Well it looked like tweedle-dee and tweedle-_______ (u pick) had won this war. “Look it! Ole Bossey is just lying there, smellier then a sack of ________(whatever)!”, the boys elated. Let me tell ya, 99 percent of the time, Luke and Mike would have been in the clear because 99 percent of the people you could ______(verb) with, weren’t Farmer Shickadance. Shickadance hired a bodyguard for Ole Bossey but not just any bodyguard, it was “Nicotine, the Tort Magician!”
Nicotine was a bodyguarding son-of-a-________(noun), with an arsenal of smoke screens, doves up his sleeves and a bunny in his __________(noun). Tragically, after taking 10 steps onto Shickadance’s property, Nicotine slipped on a pile of _________(noun) shit and broke his neck. The fall dislodged a cigarette from his lips which ignited his _________(body part) tassels thus detonating the smoke screens.
The doves, no longer able to sustain life in the sleeves of a dead burning magician, took desperate flight into the smoke that now eclipsed all visibility on the road. Luke and Mike ran towards the smoke, hoping that Shickdance’s __________(noun) was up___________(whatever) creek without a __________(noun), just in time to witness Luke’s parents jogging into one side of the smoke, and Mike’s drunk uncle daydreaming into the smoke in the opposite direction. The problem wasn’t the timing of the day dream session, it was location. Slick-________(name), as his friends called him, happened to be located behind the wheel of his _______(year) ________(vehicle). His last thought before leaving this Earth was “Hmmmm...who would have thought you would be greeted by white doves at the smoky gates of hell?”
The truck lost control at the same moment that the comet “Halebop” came crashing into the accident scene leaving a one-mile circle of scorched Earth. Everyone in the fact pattern is ________(u pick) up!

Please analyze the various tort issues.