Employer’s responses to my applications

by Mike Witry
Dear Mr. Witry:
Thank you for submitting your application for employment. However, it appears that you have inadvertently failed to include the document or documents in which you explain how you are in any way qualified to work for our firm. If you find those documents, please feel free to re-submit your application.
Dear Mr. Witry:
The only reason we informed the University of Idaho College of Law of our available position is because we wanted to hire Kristi Wilson. No others need apply.
Dear Mr. Witry:
We are sorry to say that we do not offer positions to Gentiles. When Jesus makes His triumphant return to Missouri, we do not wish to be caught in the awkward position of trying to explain why one of our number is not among the Elect.
Dear Mr. Witry:
Thank you for applying for an associate position with our firm. The position has been filled by someone who is even less qualified than yourself, but I owed his dad a favor.
Dear Mr. Witry:
Our hiring partner doesn’t like you. I don’t like you either. You’d better watch yourself.
Dear Mr. Witry:
We are unable to offer you a position as an attorney at this time. However, you may qualify for several other open positions with our city, including Janitor I, Street Sweeper, and Part-Time Rec League T-Ball Coach. Please contact us to set up a time to interview for one of these positions.
Dear Mr. Witry:
Your resume is a litany of disappointment. We advise you to quit school now and spare yourself the mortification of eternal failure.
Dear Mr. Witry:
We apologize for a mistake in our most recent correspondence. We did not mean to say you should be hauling away garbage. We meant to say you should be hauled away as garbage.
Dear Mr. Witry:
Thank you for applying for employment. We cannot offer you a position at this time because we prefer our applicants to have more self-confidence.

*editor’s note: we doubt these are real.