So you've got a job at a big firm

by Michael Witry

I’m delighted to have the opportunity to say a few words to you kids down at Idaho, not least because I had always thought that Idaho was a hoax perpetuated by Rand McNally to sell atlases, and I was pleased to discover that apparently there really is an Idaho. Anyway, it was five years ago when I graduated from a law school so exclusive that its name is never spoken aloud and you must have your soul examined by the god Anubis to gain entry. I was one of the lucky ones, who used my contacts, my background and my ferocious networking skills to get a position here at Jay, Kaye, and Ellomenopee, which has been rated as the eighth best firm in America ten years running by the editors of Law Firm Vanity Press Magazine.
I understand that many of you, despite your inferiority to me, will soon be working at Big Firms, and I’ve compiled a short list of techniques to help you get to the top.
• Always make the senior partners feel appreciated. When I was younger, I tended to approach them with a smile and a handshake, but I’ve since moved on. Now, when a senior partner approaches, I stand at attention and blow on an antique bos’n’s whistle, then announce “Senior partner approaching!”
• Consider shaving your head. Daily shaves are much faster than hair maintenance, especially if you’re a woman, and the time saved there could be spent on something billable.
• Your office should contain some personal touches to impress your clients. If you have no personality, try paying a visit to the local elementary school. The garbage cans usually contain some ill-conceived artwork that you can display on your desk and imply belong to your children.
• Most big firms are located in big cities with many cultural opportunities. Unfortunately, those cultural opportunities take a lot of time and aren’t billable. Save some time by hanging around the exits and asking people to describe what they just saw.
• If you’re interested in marriage, I would recommend against ordering a Russian mail-order spouse. They’re pricey, the INS doesn’t like them, and other people will suspect you are unable to attract a spouse. Consider a North Korean spouse instead. They’re cheaper and are virtually indistinguishable from “legitimate” South Koreans.
• Everyone knows that lawyers can get in trouble for using drugs, but how can you keep up with the competition without a little boost? I don’t see anything in the Model Rules of Professional Conduct about energy drinks or herbal supplements. I like to get a mixture of seven or eight supplements in a candy dish and grab a fistful when I’m feeling tired.
• Sometimes judges and your opponents will imply that your work product isn’t up to snuff, merely because you were assigned to the project three hours before it was due. They just don’t understand big firm life. Defend your reputation by giving them copies of your firm’s recruiting guide. That’ll show them what a great lawyer you are.
• Make sure the music in your office isn’t too calm, lest it cause you to fall asleep. Sleep is for the weak. You don’t need it. I used to play Slavic folk dances over the speakers to keep me from dozing off, but I’ve since discovered a local band called The Sudden Loud Noise Experience.
• Paralegals and office help are the stairs on the ladder to success. Feel free to walk all over them.
• The occasional schizophrenic episode is normal. Seeking professional help would just reduce your billable hours, and how would you make partner then? Besides, I’ve found that the aliens from the planet Grebnulak are a great help in motion practice.
• You may notice that some of your old law school buddies aren’t in big firms and may appear to be happy. Ha! We’ll see who’s happy when you make partner, buy their bank, and foreclose on everything they own.

That’s just long enough to count as a publication on my resume, so I’ll cut off here with one last word for the wise: when the nukes start flying, big firm people will all get spots in the bunkers and the rest of you won’t.