Larry Craig Redefines "Gay

by Josh Studor

As has been widely reported, three-term U.S. Senator and UI alumnus Larry Craig resigned last week after his conviction for disorderly conduct became public. In pleading guilty, Craig admitted that there was a factual basis to the allegations that he had attempted to solicit lewd conduct from an under-cover male police officer in a public Minneapolis airport bathroom.

Though he had previously admitted to the conduct, Craig now claims that his actions were nothing more than an awkwardly wide stance while using the crapper and a paper mirage.

But, much to the elation of political humorists – and people with the sense of humor of a fifth grader – the story doesn’t end there.

Following the initial report in Roll Call, Craig held a press conference to discuss the allegations. At that conference he thanked everyone for “coming out” and told reporters, “Let me be clear. I am not gay and never have been gay.”

This statement set off shockwaves throughout the whole gay community. Prior to Craig’s definitional clarification, gay people assumed that being gay meant being attracted to members of the same sex rather than members of the opposite sex. Now, everything is nutty.

Apparently, that means that men can solicit other men for sex in a bathroom, hook up with other dudes shopping at a Boise R.E.I., and have oral sex with another man in D.C.’s Union Station and not actually be gay. The logical extension of his definition is that men can generally have sex with other men and not be gay.

Such a realization sparked joy from at least one University of Idaho Law Student. “Ha! I knew it,” shouted Josh McCarthy. “I am gayer than Josh Studor.”

Following Craig’s press conference, at least one gay man called his mothers to say, “Hey mom. Did you see? I’m not gay. Yes, I still exclusively have sex with men and yes, you will still be able to complain about me not providing you with any grand children. But I’m not gay!”

During the press conference, the senator added to his definition of “gay” saying, “I love my wife, my family, I care about friends and staff and Idaho, I love serving this great state. There are still goals I would like to accomplish and I believe I can still be an effective leader for this state.”

Clearly, if you love your wife and family, care about your friends and staff and Idaho you can’t be gay. If you have goals you would like to accomplish or if you can still be an effective leader, you are not gay.

Though not reported, Craig went on to say, “of course I am not gay. I was in a fraternity.”

It has been widely reported that Idaho Gov. Butch Otter will appoint Lt. Gov. Jim Risch as Craig’s replacement, however, there is no word about whether Risch plans to solicit men for public sex. Also, there has been no word about just how butch Otter is.