The Story of the Three Little Pigs as told by a smart-aleck legal drafting grad

by Josh Studor

for laurie

Definitions:
For the purposes of this story, the following definitions shall be used:
• “Pig:” any of several mammals of the family Suidae which have short legs, cloven hooves, bristly hair and a cartilaginous snout used for digging.
• “Sparrow” means big bad wolf.
• “House” is deemed to mean a place of residence, dwelling, home, or abode.

The Story:
At a point in time prior to the time and date of the day this article is read, three (3) pigs of diminished stature set to depart their home and seek, search out, and look for wealth. Before leaving said home, the pig’s’ mother, that was very wise, said and spoke to the swine saying, “In whatever you do, do it in the best way that you can because that’s the way to get along in the world.”
The pigs each purchased plots of land for the construction and erection of they’re respective houses, that were made from various materials. (1) The first little pig, (Pig 1) caused his/her house to be constructed out of straw since said action did not cost much and was the most easiest thing to do. (2) The second pig (Pig 2) entered into and executed a contract with Contractor to cause his house to be built from sticks of wood. (3) The third pig, (Bob Smith) built his house out of red-bricks.
Commencing on or about a night following the Construction of Each of the Houses, a sparrow named Meany McMeanpants (“Defendant”), that really, greatly, and emphatically enjoyed eating pigs, came up to the Pig 1’s straw home, that was built from straw. Defendant shouted very loudly “little pig, little pig, let me in.”
Vaklempt, the juvenile sow said, “You, the party of the first part shall be unable to affect me, the party of the second part, by any margin herein defined as a ‘hair’ as it relates to the parties’s chinny, chin or chin.”
Defendant sparrow replied, “huh? I don’t understand a word that you just said. So, I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow you’re house in.”
And the sparrow did blow in said house and consumed Pig 1.
The following night, which was after the night on which the first little pig’s house was blown in and the first little pig was eaten and digested by The Sparrow, Defendant came to the house built by Pig 2 and he discovered that the pig Resided in the house; which was built of sticks that were taken from a forest located less than one mile, from where the property Pig 2 purchased, in violation of several local ordinances; and he shouted out to the occupant(s) of said house, “little pig, little pig, let me in.”
The Pig 2 said, “you, the party of the first part shall be unable to affect me, the party of the second part, by any margin hereby defined as a ‘hair’ as it relates to the parties chinny, chin, or chin.”
Again, Meany was confused, and replied, “ OH HELL! I’ll just blow your damn house in.” While the stick house maybe stronger than the straw house it still fell quickly and immediately as Defendant huffed and puffed. Consequently, therefore, the sparrow was able to eat the little pig.
On or about approximately 8:27 PM, Eastern, Standard Time, on the night of 5th of Aug., 2006, which was the night following the two previous Nights, Meany arrived at the house built by the third(3rd) and final pig. The house had been constructed with bricks, and it received a certificate of occupancy by a certified inspector as required by Idaho Code 39-4108. It also further was compliant with all codes, requirements, and contract terms required by the homeowner’s association and it was free of all liens and encumbrances.
Defendant approached the wooden door, which had been painted red and had elaborate inlay, and knocked the brass door knocker. He said, “little pig, little pig, can I come in”?
Bob replied in a firm tone, “Are you nuts? You can not come in. I’m going to get my shotgun so I can protect myself from you. I shall also call the police who can show up here to protect me from you who may injure me or cause me to be injured through your actions, which may be violent in nature.”
Defendant was Puzzled and said nothing but attempted to blow the house in anyway. Because of the structural quality of the brick and thanks to the quality of the construction and oversight, the house did not not stay standing but instead did not blow in. Also, because the house had been caused to be fitted with high-speed- wireless-internet, a security-system, and Bob had a cell-phone, Bob calmly called the police.
Further, Defendant Meany, not knowing the police had been called, attempted and tried to enter the house threw the part of the house build specifically for the release of smoke, which is produced by a substance that produces heat and light. But, before the wolf could get “down” the chimney, the Idaho State Police showed up with a SWAT team and successfully captured and detained the sparrow. The sparrow never again got lose and was tried and convicted of hamicide, malicious destruction of property and attempted hamicide.
Once the story got out to the public, the Idahoans began protesting the reintroduction of sparrows into the “wild”. The public said the principlE(thics) reason why they was angry is that if the state had not reintroduced the sparrows, the little pigs would not have been eaten by the sparrow that did eat the pigs, which were eaten.
Hey prof., We tease ‘cause we can... or is it may?