Someone take my gel

by Eric Haley

To put it in law school terms, I did not foresee that it would be this difficult to give away a canister of premium “fancy” hair manipulator.
Out of the kindness of my heart I have offered an unopened jar of Bed Head (retail $16.95 for a small amount only a true ass would buy) to seven different people and each time I finished my proposal I received a look that made me wonder if I was about to get maced. I don’t understand it; it’s not like I am some stranger in a trench coat offering to baby sit your kids. I am simply trying to brighten someone’s day with the gift of overpriced hair sculpting product. I fail to see what is so damn suspicious about it. My favorite response to my failed charity has been: “Why don’t you want it anymore?” That is a good question – for a person on LSD. Relax Cochese, those fire-breathing cobras you see on my head are just hallucinations and even if they were real, they are hair-less cobras. They don’t need Bed Head.
A sober person on the other hand would look at my bald-ass head and understand why I might not have an interest in hair manipulator anymore. Furthermore, if I grew my hair back out to a length that could be manipulated, I would probably look like Ron Howard and I am no man’s sidekick-buddy, especially not “The Fonz.” I think I will stick with the “Ty Bair” (the editor of the Law School’s other journal), which is 70 percent shaved close to the scalp, 30 percent out of my control.
For those that are still not convinced that this free Bed Head won’t kill them, let me further uncloak the mystery of why I have this canister. See, I was still living in denial at Christmas and couldn’t decide what to get with my $15 JC Penny’s Gift Certificate. All of the sudden, I caught a mirror by the in-store salon and it was like my 18 bangs were feathered about my forehead pleading, “Hey boss, we can’t hold down the fort without some hair manipulator; some really, really expensive hair manipulator.”
When I returned home, I proudly displayed “the answer to my prayers” so my sisters would give me an “Atta Boy” but instead they looked at me like I had just walked into a Jaguar dealership with a clip-on tie.
One of them asked me if I planned on rubbing the canister of hair product in the hope that a Genie would appear and grant me some hair for my bald spots After all, they reasoned, applying the contents to current hair style would be kind of like putting jet fuel in a weed eater – overkill.
So, yeah, I shaved my hair off and I would like to give something back, you know, do something good for mankind. So, mankind, I present to you, hair manipulator.
Someone please catch me at my carrel and take this reminder of painful memories off of my hands. If you still think something is fishy we can do this the right way, give me a peppercorn, I will give you the Bed Head and give you this warranty: When applied to the hair on your head, this product will not kill you, unless you are allergic to one of its many chemicals, then you may be up shit creek and I won’t be supplying a paddle.
I just want closure.