Panties! Glorious Panties!

by Eric Haley

OK, OK, OK. Everyone relax. Breathe deeply, ABC News Crew. Can I get you another water or perhaps another round of bagel bites? I have obviously been caught with my “hand in the cookie jar,” you win, here are the 93 pounds of panties. TA DA!
Wow, the weather sure has warmed up here on the Palouse! Do you think it’s going to be a dry Summer? Oh... yeah, I suppose we could talk a little more about the 93 pounds of female underwear I have (or should I say “had”) in my possession.
There are a lot of things a person could say when caught with 93 pounds of underwear. When I owned just 92 pounds of female underwear, I can’t tell you how many times I practiced for this moment in front of the mirror,
“Woah! Officer, how did that get there? Is that 92 pounds of panties sitting in the middle of my TV viewing room? My God, my children play there.” You can explain 92 pounds.
But, when the cops bust in to your home it doesn’t matter how many times you have practiced your lines, 93 pounds of panties speaks for itself.
Ninety-three pounds of panties, in one location, says things like, “You know we did not get here by accident” and “Is it really going to take a sixth duffel bag full of panties to convince you that this is the panty thief? C’mon, arrest him immediately!”
Fair enough, I won’t even offer my explanation on why it is not only normal that I own 93 pounds of panties, it is a necessity. When the evil Murdoch blew a hole in the cabin of MacGyver’s airplane, the passengers thought Mac was crazy when from his pocket he produced, a condom, a can of Skoal, and a tube of Ben Gay salve. But five minutes later, when these products had patched the hole, no one dared to ask why a person would happen to be carrying these things on their person.
Hmmmm... I can see you did not buy that at all. I suppose I understand – until you have seen someone sling a heavy stone from a pair of panties or dress a sucking chest wound with them, you probably can’t fathom why I have these five duffel bags bursting at the seams with panties. Between you and me, I know of no better way to keep a Komodo dragon at bay then a smooth river rock and a panty sling. If you have never been in a situation like that, Officer, these 1,500 pairs of panties probably make me look like some pervert, huh?
What? Oh that room back there? That is the guest bedroom and you are correct, that “BAAAAAAH” was the sound of a sheep. You are telling me that you would still use store-bought wool if you had a vacant bedroom that could be used as a stable? And if you think that the sheep is connected to the 93 pounds of panties in anyway aside from the pair it is wearing now, I am going to have to ask you to please get your mind out of the gutter! So how about those Mariners, do you think they finally got some decent pitching this year?