Police Blotter

“compiled” by Michael Witry

7:21 a.m. - Little black spot observed on sun. No change since yesterday.
8:14 a.m. - Commuters found words of the prophets written on subway walls. Graffiti artists responsible remain at large.
8:46 a.m. - Miss Lottie Lenya found dead of knife wounds down by the river.
9:08 a.m. - Called to intervene in a dispute between neighbors along Hedgerow St. Issued citation to the May Queen for unlawful disposal of bustles.
9:41 a.m. - Arrested a suspect in connection with a slaying along the Mexican border. Suspect offered to plead guilty in exchange for water.
11:22 a.m. - Caller reported a suspicious line of cars, all painted black. Cars turned out to be part of a funeral procession. Complaint dismissed.
11:53 a.m. - Search party for 29 lost sailors called off due to gales of November coming early.
12:19 p.m. - Unattended yellow basket seized at airport.
1:18 p.m. - Investigated trampoline-related disturbance downtown. Advised Mr. Kite and Mr. Henderson that their performance would require a permit from City Hall.
1:38 p.m. - Frog bearing sword and unlicensed firearm stopped near residence of Miss Mousie.
2:44 p.m. - Squatter reported theft of jumbuck. Upon being stopped for questioning, suspect drowned self in billabong. Revival was unsuccessful.
3:38 p.m. - Driver of hot rod Lincoln cited for speeding and reckless driving.
4:18 p.m. - Parents of Little Susie called to report missing daughter. Investigation revealed that Susie and her date fell asleep at the movie theater.
4:46 p.m. - Owner of brand new house by railroad side, made out of rattlesnake hide, cited for violations of building code and zoning regulations.
5:31 p.m. - Advised owner of a broken-down Woody along the surf route to contact a mechanic, rather than attempt to hitchhike in his wetsuit.
7:29 p.m. - Called to disturbance along watchtower, where barefoot servants were denied entrance due to health code. Servants were escorted away.
8:48 p.m. - Investigated reports of dancers who had left their friends behind. Advised dancers to keep everything under control.
9:11 p.m. - Children complained of glass cuts on feet from broken bottles. Several bodies discovered on nearby street.
10:55 p.m. - Confused and intoxicated man found in residential area, complaining that this was not his beautiful house. Cited for public intoxication.
11:06 p.m. - Broke up fight on big dance floor involving man with hair piled high and real square cat with out-of-date wardrobe.
11:31 p.m. - Complaints of excessive noise traced to lonely goatherd, who was cited for keeping a disorderly house.