Give a guy a hand (a washed one)

by Brian “germaphobe” Hilverda

“Wash your hands.” I heard this time and time again as a kid. After playing outside and coming in to eat; after walking the dogs; and especially after going to the bathroom. After a while it just became a habit (way to go Mom!) So it strikes me as odd the number of people at this school who don’t wash their hands after using the facilities. I just don’t get how it’s possible for so many people in this school to have come this far in life and not learn that they should use the sink after doing their business (#1 or #2). It’s not like it’s a difficult task, or even that time consuming. Yet, somehow it happens on a regular basis (you know who you are). I hope the female population of this school will forgive me, but my comments are not directed at them; I don’t spend much (or any) time in the ladies room.
Don’t make assumptions about who may be guilty of this. If you haven’t noticed an offender already, it might surprise you who commits this offense. It’s not limited to 1L’s who may not have learned that by not washing off germs from that antibiotic-resistant staph infection festering on their nether-regions, they could be subject to strict liability and punitive damages. I personally have witnessed 1L’s, 2L’s, 3L’s, and even professors (yes, multiple) leave the facilities without taking a second to rinse their digits.
So instead of calling you out publicly, I thought I’d offer up some helpful reminders instead. When we were teaching my daughter to wash her hands after she used the bathroom, we told her to sing her ABC’s. She loved it, and it’s now a habit for her. If the alphabet isn’t your thing, I’ve thought if some other simple refrains that may spark your memory.
• “If you put your hand on your wang, wash the germs down the drain.”
• “When I pee, washing is up to me.”
• “After draining the dong, wash with soap for 30 seconds long”
• “If I make a doodie, using the sink is my duty.”
I hope these help any offenders out there remember to wash. Seriously folks, it’s a small community here and no one wants to use the door after you’ve put your “junk-germed” hands all over the handle. So let’s all do our part and make our bathrooms a safer place.