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Saturday, November 22, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Spring 2008 Issue 4
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Friday, September 5, 2008
Fall 2008 Issue 1
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Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Supreme Court Holds Guantanamo a Valid Terry Stop
by Lindsey Simon and Sean Neahusan
The United State Supreme Court issued its opinion today in Boumediene v. Bush, the controversial case that challenged the constitutionality of the Guantanamo Bay detention camps. In a shocking move, the Court upheld the constitutionality of the camps, not under the habeas corpus theory argued by the government, but instead on the grounds that detention at Guantanamo Bay amounted to a mere Terry stop.
In his plurality opinion Justice Antonin Scalia wrote that neither the indefinite detentions, denial of access to legal counsel, prolonged isolations nor water boarding at Guantanamo elevated the seizures above the
level of a lesser-intrusive
contact first described in Terry v. Ohio. Thus the government need only show the presence of “specific particularly facts that support a reasonable belief that criminal activity was afoot” in order to justify the detentions. “Plainly put,” wrote the plurality, “Guantanamo is totally reasonable.”
Justice Scalia’s opinion also hinted that the plurality didn’t even believe the inquiry reached the issue of reasonableness stating, “The government may have conceded that this was a detention, but we’re not even sure about that. The plaintiffs in this case were certainly free to leave the encounter. Heck, I’m pretty sure all you need to get out of Cuba is a bathtub with a makeshift sail. Doesn’t anyone remember Elian Gonzalez? But more importantly, why would anyone want to leave? I’ve seen Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights at least a dozen times. Cuba looks awesome!”
Justice Clarence Thomas concurred in the result, but wrote: “The text of the Constitution is conspicuously silent on the issue of Islamofacist terrorists kept at a U.S. military base in Cuba. Ergo, the Court has no business hearing this case.”
Many view this decision to be the pièce de résistance in the Court’s long and slow attack on the Fourth Amendment. Justice Anthony Kennedy took a candid approach in his concurrence when he stated, “Come on, this can’t be a surprise. We said forcing a woman to crap in a trashcan was reasonable!” See United States v. Montoya De Hernandez, 473 U.S. 531 (1985).
The response from the dissenting justices was stark, pessimistic and unprecedented. In her dissent Justice Ginsberg penned a letter to former Justice Sandra Day O’Connor: “Dear Sandy, are you sure you don’t want to come back? This place is going to hell in a hand basket. Let me know if you change your mind. I’ve got connections; I can make sure an opening comes up. I know people. —Ruth.”
Likewise, Justice John Paul Stevens didn’t write a dissent so much as a directive to his clerks. “I need a memo ASAP on the definition of ‘during good behavior’ in Article III section 1. Specifically focus in on whether a justice who is cryogenically frozen can satisfy that requirement. Those bastards think they can beat me by waiting for me to die, do they? I’ll show them. P.S., call Ted Williams’s family.”
The most telling dissent came from Justices Breyer and Souter, who in a joint opinion stated simply, “Screw you guys, we’re moving to Canada.”
THIS AIN’T NO LAUGHING MATTER!
By Mellisa Maxwell
Some people feel it is odd that one of our professors has the exact same thing for lunch every day. I find comfort in it. It’s not that I don’t handle changes per se –– I just have some quirks. I am quirky. For example, I don’t like watches; I can’t handle the ticking noise. I like patterns and order. I hate plastic grocery bags, not because they are environmentally unfriendly but because the paper bags are more like little boxes and thus more organized.
We all went into the classroom to get our finals; it was a little different since it was in room 104 and that was bothersome. However, once Susan went over the instructions we sat there staring at her, awaiting the traditional joke. But we were not met with the familiar light-hearted, utterly non-offensive joke that we have all relied on to level us during the apprehension of finals. Instead we received devastating news! Susan is not allowed to tell jokes anymore! Are you kidding me! I depend on that. It breaks the routine! I was a mess.
Mississippi Center for Justice – Track I North Gulfport Community Land Trust
by Anna Faller
Over the past week a group of us have been working with the North Gulfport Community Land Trust surveying the northern neighborhood of North Gulfport. On August 29, 2005 the city was hit by the strong eastern side of Hurricane Katrina. Gulfport was devastated. Almost three years later, this community is slowly coming back. There is continuous construction, and the city is placing a special emphasis on development according to Smart Code. Smart Code emphasizes preservation of the historic architecture of a community while also creating walkable communities.
The issue we were surveying involved the plans of the Port Authority to expand the local port. As part of the expansion, the Port Authority is planning to build an inland storage facility in North Gulfport. The proposed storage facility is right in the middle of a neighborhood. The facility will require filling in 70 acres of wetlands, making an already low lying area even more susceptible to flooding. Additionally, the facility will be used to store large containers, machinery, and because the need to refrigerate their cargo, diesel trucks running all night.
Erika and I accompanied by our “escort” Shirley set out to find out what members of North Gulfport had to say about the expansion. The Land Trust set us up with escorts from North Gulfport so there would be someone familiar with neighborhood as well as its residents. The comments we received were hardly surprising…most folks had not heard of the expansion much less knew that it was going to be put in right in their back yards. The reactions to our remarks were mixed and often heart breaking. Most importantly the port expansion project is being financed by diverting 600 million dollars from the housing recovery fund. The need for housing is still so great, however, the port is the life line for this community. The port provides jobs and prior to Katrina there were even more jobs. We were talking to folks whose families had worked for the port for several generations. The ideological struggle was obvious in discussing the negative repercussions of having the inland port built so close to their community and going against a company that had given their families so much. Responses we received included, “Its coming anyways…”; “A man can endure almost anything….”. There were people in support due to the promise of more jobs, and the proposed addition also included more casinos with the promise of revenues for roads and schools. When we discussed the positives with people there was a substantial amount of skepticism. One came to the quick realization that politics/racism largely interfered with this neighborhood seeing a dollar of the promised revenues.
The experience has been indescribable. Going door to door and being welcomed into people’s homes was so wonderful. Everyone was so grateful for the work we were doing there and equally appreciative that we are aware of the effects of Katrina nearly three years later. It felt really good to be working for a community that had continuously been ignored by the greater population of MS and giving a voice to people that perhaps hadn’t this opportunity before. The ignorance of the greater population was thrown in our faces when we stopped at a local McDonalds to get directions to North Gulfport. After asking directions we were told by one of the white patrons, “You know that is an all black neighborhood right?” Going door to door for four days allowed us to interact with many lovely people. There is still so much work to be done in Gulfport, but there is an underlying strength that reminds one that whatever the impacts of Mother Nature, people will manage to put their lives back together. Perhaps one of the most poignant conversations I had was with a man named Mr. Johnson*. When discussing everything from the port expansion project to the upcoming presidential elections, his wise words should resonate with us all. He said that in all the talk of rebuilding after Katrina and as well as the upcoming presidential election, there is a vital message missing. Love thy neighbor. If people actually cared what happened to each other regardless of race, sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic status, the world would be a different place. Maybe people would care more that there were still people living in card board boxes, tents, poisoned FEMA trailers, and think twice before putting an industrial facility next to someone’s home.
Executive Toys
By: Michael Witry
It's the time of year when 3Ls begin to think, "Wow, soon I'll have a job. And an office. Oh God - I'm going to need to get an executive toy for my office! Whatever should I choose?" Lucky for you I've put together a short review of several popular executive toys, as seen at officeplayground.com.
• Newton's Cradle. Perhaps the quintessential executive toy, you may also know it as "those clacking balls." It's a fantastic demonstration of one of Newton's Laws, but he wrote a few of them so I can't remember which one it is off hand. (Conservation of Momentum? Is that a law?) The web site that's attempting to sell me one gives me a helpful disclaimer: "Please note, the balls do not swing indefinitely and eventually stop." Well, dammit, I was going to use it as a source of free perpetual motion energy to power all of the Treasure Valley, but it looks like that's out of the question. I give it a C.
• Miniature Zen Rock Garden. It's a plate of sand with some rocks in it and a Lilliputian rake. You're supposed to rake the sand around the rocks to create pleasing designs and achieve inner peace. Call me crazy, but I'm not comfortable turning aspects of somebody else's religion into my personal stress toy. It makes me wonder if on the far side of the world, office managers are decorating their desks with miniature Gardens of Gethsemane. C-.
• Plasma Ball. Awww, hell yeah! It's nice to see that somebody else has the idea of "office as mad scientist's lair," or at least "office as storeroom for leftover props from Beakman's World." If I were going whole-hog on this theme, I might also spring for a Van de Graaf generator (that big ball thing that creates static-electricity lightning and makes your hair stand on end) and a pipe organ on which to play menacing tunes. No, scratch that - a theremin. (Theremins are radio boxes played by waving your hands over them. They're rad.) A.
• Koosh Ball. Yes, they're fun to throw and catch, but if you had any when you were a kid, you know that after time, the sticky stuff that holds it together gathers up a lot of gunk. After a year or so, it's really only fit for your pets (or for donating to St. Vincent de Paul). C.
• Woolly Willy. The appeal of Willy is somewhat diminished to my generation. We've had technology like this for years - we could just take Willy's face and draw on it in MS Paint. (Just be sure to keep that magnet away from the hard drive.) Still, Willy appeals to a retro market, as does his siblings, Hair-do Harriet and Create-a-Commie (!) It might be a good call if you're working with baby boom clients, but then you should finish the job and redecorate your office with plastic chairs, a boomerang-patterned aqua Formica counter, and some contraband lawn darts. B.
For my money, you can't beat Legos as an office toy. Some of you will build elaborate cities, and some of you will put one guy on a flat red piece and pretend he's skateboarding. The appeal is equal. Furthermore, you'll have an instant client screening tool: anyone who doesn't like Legos is not to be trusted.
Since this is my last piece for Inter Alia, I'd like to thank you all for reading. Many of you have made my life more interesting; I hope I've done the same for you.
It's the time of year when 3Ls begin to think, "Wow, soon I'll have a job. And an office. Oh God - I'm going to need to get an executive toy for my office! Whatever should I choose?" Lucky for you I've put together a short review of several popular executive toys, as seen at officeplayground.com.
• Newton's Cradle. Perhaps the quintessential executive toy, you may also know it as "those clacking balls." It's a fantastic demonstration of one of Newton's Laws, but he wrote a few of them so I can't remember which one it is off hand. (Conservation of Momentum? Is that a law?) The web site that's attempting to sell me one gives me a helpful disclaimer: "Please note, the balls do not swing indefinitely and eventually stop." Well, dammit, I was going to use it as a source of free perpetual motion energy to power all of the Treasure Valley, but it looks like that's out of the question. I give it a C.
• Miniature Zen Rock Garden. It's a plate of sand with some rocks in it and a Lilliputian rake. You're supposed to rake the sand around the rocks to create pleasing designs and achieve inner peace. Call me crazy, but I'm not comfortable turning aspects of somebody else's religion into my personal stress toy. It makes me wonder if on the far side of the world, office managers are decorating their desks with miniature Gardens of Gethsemane. C-.
• Plasma Ball. Awww, hell yeah! It's nice to see that somebody else has the idea of "office as mad scientist's lair," or at least "office as storeroom for leftover props from Beakman's World." If I were going whole-hog on this theme, I might also spring for a Van de Graaf generator (that big ball thing that creates static-electricity lightning and makes your hair stand on end) and a pipe organ on which to play menacing tunes. No, scratch that - a theremin. (Theremins are radio boxes played by waving your hands over them. They're rad.) A.
• Koosh Ball. Yes, they're fun to throw and catch, but if you had any when you were a kid, you know that after time, the sticky stuff that holds it together gathers up a lot of gunk. After a year or so, it's really only fit for your pets (or for donating to St. Vincent de Paul). C.
• Woolly Willy. The appeal of Willy is somewhat diminished to my generation. We've had technology like this for years - we could just take Willy's face and draw on it in MS Paint. (Just be sure to keep that magnet away from the hard drive.) Still, Willy appeals to a retro market, as does his siblings, Hair-do Harriet and Create-a-Commie (!) It might be a good call if you're working with baby boom clients, but then you should finish the job and redecorate your office with plastic chairs, a boomerang-patterned aqua Formica counter, and some contraband lawn darts. B.
For my money, you can't beat Legos as an office toy. Some of you will build elaborate cities, and some of you will put one guy on a flat red piece and pretend he's skateboarding. The appeal is equal. Furthermore, you'll have an instant client screening tool: anyone who doesn't like Legos is not to be trusted.
Since this is my last piece for Inter Alia, I'd like to thank you all for reading. Many of you have made my life more interesting; I hope I've done the same for you.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Obama Skeptical About Chances in Idaho
Barak Obama revealed today that his campaign strategy, presumably focused on winning the Presidential election, did not include any campaigning efforts in the state of Friday, February 22, 2008
youporn.com (and the downfall of mankind)
by Aaron Crary
Last year, while attending Con Law class with my most favorite teacher at the law school, Jimmy MacDonald, some issues were brought up that sparked my interest. While partaking in our whirlwind ride of the first amendment, we got onto the topic of pornography and the possible evils that stem from its proliferation.
There was a comment made by a class member in an attempt to tout some of pornography’s evil attributes: “Hitler”, this nice but misguided sole offered up before her pears, “before putting his troops into battle showed them pornography.” This claim, as fascinating as it may be, represents one of the arguments forwarded in class as to why pornography is evil.
There were two major arguments brought up that I can remember. The first argument represents the belief that pornography increases violence and aggression among society. The second belief put forth being that pornography degrades the status of women.
To start by addressing this former claim, I myself can’t rationalize how pornography increases violence or aggression. To me, the fact that a bar full of young college females can pacify even the biggest meat head would be proof to any Freudian that sex quells man’s most aggressive instincts. I mean, sex (or the possibility of sex) just does not make me angry or want to fight. There is really something liberating and relaxing about taking care of the male urge in all of us.
Which leads me to wonder how an army full of soldiers would have faired had they actually been shown porn before fighting. Rather than going out and fighting, had the men been watching porn I think they would have spent most the day putting their feat up, smoking cigars and drinking a beer instead.
Similarly, if they had porn already, they would have no reason to leave and fight someone, that is, unless of course Poland or some other nation had taken and hidden their porn.
Likewise, I find it hard to rationalize the view that pornography degrades the status of women. Again, it seems to me that pornography does quite the opposite.
Imagine if you will the common situation where a guy sitting at his computer, pants at his ankles, studiously watching every movement of that female image on his monitor screen as if this woman is about to tell him the secret of life. No, that’s not demeaning. That’s flattering. That woman is a star; a porn star; one to be worshiped.
No, I will tell you the problem with porn today. The problem is the impact porn has on our male productivity. For instance, the website youporn.com, which allegedly brings in over $100,000 a month in advertising (www.wickipedia.org; courtesy of my good friend and fellow 3L member Will Fletcher) makes porn so available that you never have need to see the same video twice. And these such options are so powerful they can arouse the curiosity of even the most focused of men.
This makes it hard to function from day to day. Precisely the reason I do not have internet at home, with your computer in you lap you have countless hours and hours of new porn everyday at your fingertips. It is very difficult to refrain from this gift that has been handed to all of us. Thus, instead of the normal daily productive cycle many of us are used to, time and time again we revert back to see what new reward is in store for us.
So, yes, porn is evil, but not for any constitutional reason. The evil is that men are finding very little time to do other things during the day than watch porn. And until men can find balance among this mine field youporn.com and many of its sister cites have now presented us with, woman may be getting the upper hand us all, leaving men in the dust.
Last year, while attending Con Law class with my most favorite teacher at the law school, Jimmy MacDonald, some issues were brought up that sparked my interest. While partaking in our whirlwind ride of the first amendment, we got onto the topic of pornography and the possible evils that stem from its proliferation.
There was a comment made by a class member in an attempt to tout some of pornography’s evil attributes: “Hitler”, this nice but misguided sole offered up before her pears, “before putting his troops into battle showed them pornography.” This claim, as fascinating as it may be, represents one of the arguments forwarded in class as to why pornography is evil.
There were two major arguments brought up that I can remember. The first argument represents the belief that pornography increases violence and aggression among society. The second belief put forth being that pornography degrades the status of women.
To start by addressing this former claim, I myself can’t rationalize how pornography increases violence or aggression. To me, the fact that a bar full of young college females can pacify even the biggest meat head would be proof to any Freudian that sex quells man’s most aggressive instincts. I mean, sex (or the possibility of sex) just does not make me angry or want to fight. There is really something liberating and relaxing about taking care of the male urge in all of us.
Which leads me to wonder how an army full of soldiers would have faired had they actually been shown porn before fighting. Rather than going out and fighting, had the men been watching porn I think they would have spent most the day putting their feat up, smoking cigars and drinking a beer instead.
Similarly, if they had porn already, they would have no reason to leave and fight someone, that is, unless of course Poland or some other nation had taken and hidden their porn.
Likewise, I find it hard to rationalize the view that pornography degrades the status of women. Again, it seems to me that pornography does quite the opposite.
Imagine if you will the common situation where a guy sitting at his computer, pants at his ankles, studiously watching every movement of that female image on his monitor screen as if this woman is about to tell him the secret of life. No, that’s not demeaning. That’s flattering. That woman is a star; a porn star; one to be worshiped.
No, I will tell you the problem with porn today. The problem is the impact porn has on our male productivity. For instance, the website youporn.com, which allegedly brings in over $100,000 a month in advertising (www.wickipedia.org; courtesy of my good friend and fellow 3L member Will Fletcher) makes porn so available that you never have need to see the same video twice. And these such options are so powerful they can arouse the curiosity of even the most focused of men.
This makes it hard to function from day to day. Precisely the reason I do not have internet at home, with your computer in you lap you have countless hours and hours of new porn everyday at your fingertips. It is very difficult to refrain from this gift that has been handed to all of us. Thus, instead of the normal daily productive cycle many of us are used to, time and time again we revert back to see what new reward is in store for us.
So, yes, porn is evil, but not for any constitutional reason. The evil is that men are finding very little time to do other things during the day than watch porn. And until men can find balance among this mine field youporn.com and many of its sister cites have now presented us with, woman may be getting the upper hand us all, leaving men in the dust.
Heard Around the Law School
Compiled by RJ Linnan
• The ACLU is serving cheese and chocolate at their next meeting? They aren’t smug enough that they have to do gourmet hor d’oeuvres?
• My view of sexual harassment in the workplace is like that dog that just won’t let go of your leg.
• So we’re just doing away with Leviticus altogether then?
• If she didn’t have an ass like a Shetland Pony, she wouldn’t be bad
• I actually love women’s gymnastics, they’re very bendy.
• Her boots are way cuter than her ass.
• I totally support girls shaving their arms.
• My knees have done a lot of work on the ground.
• Rich, Just curious. Have you responded to Dale’s inquiry, i.e., if “lefty” Gary Hart somehow required a right-wing wacko balance, how about some counterweight to lightning-rod conservative Ken Starr?
• Can someone please tell me about the hardships of Ariola?
• So if I had any inclination whatsoever to engage in matrimony, this class takes a dump on it
• Check it out. That bitch is so crazy even her hair is trying to get away from her
• I just fingered my chicken and plopped it down on your bed of lettuce
• Sweet... my very nature offends St. Valentine
• Any chance you’d be up for a blood drive donation on Valentine’s Day? We can give the blood of our lonely hearts to save lives...instead of wasting the blood in our hearts by pumping it erratically through our wasteful cardio-pulmonary systems over some stupid flowers and candy that stupid people will be getting from their stupid boyfriends.
• Are there any escort serviced in the Moscow-Pullman area?
• At this point I’d rather have Flavor Flave than Ken Starr
• It’s really hard to do this stuff on command when you’re as stupid as I am
• I’m like the Old Faithful of sarcasm
• The ACLU is serving cheese and chocolate at their next meeting? They aren’t smug enough that they have to do gourmet hor d’oeuvres?
• My view of sexual harassment in the workplace is like that dog that just won’t let go of your leg.
• So we’re just doing away with Leviticus altogether then?
• If she didn’t have an ass like a Shetland Pony, she wouldn’t be bad
• I actually love women’s gymnastics, they’re very bendy.
• Her boots are way cuter than her ass.
• I totally support girls shaving their arms.
• My knees have done a lot of work on the ground.
• Rich, Just curious. Have you responded to Dale’s inquiry, i.e., if “lefty” Gary Hart somehow required a right-wing wacko balance, how about some counterweight to lightning-rod conservative Ken Starr?
• Can someone please tell me about the hardships of Ariola?
• So if I had any inclination whatsoever to engage in matrimony, this class takes a dump on it
• Check it out. That bitch is so crazy even her hair is trying to get away from her
• I just fingered my chicken and plopped it down on your bed of lettuce
• Sweet... my very nature offends St. Valentine
• Any chance you’d be up for a blood drive donation on Valentine’s Day? We can give the blood of our lonely hearts to save lives...instead of wasting the blood in our hearts by pumping it erratically through our wasteful cardio-pulmonary systems over some stupid flowers and candy that stupid people will be getting from their stupid boyfriends.
• Are there any escort serviced in the Moscow-Pullman area?
• At this point I’d rather have Flavor Flave than Ken Starr
• It’s really hard to do this stuff on command when you’re as stupid as I am
• I’m like the Old Faithful of sarcasm
Centennial Practice Tips
Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to address the student body of this august institution upon the hundredth anniversary of my matriculation from its hallowed halls. As I am frightfully busy with matters of state, I shall make my remarks brief. One who seeks to be called to the bar would engage in a lifetime of debate, upon sundry topics which would baffle the brains of the workingmen. I have now been in the practice for one hundred years and I could not have attained my eminent status without constant refinement of my debating skill. For the benefit of those who would follow me upon the law’s path, I give you the following propositions, which I have used as themes in practice debates opposing my partners. Any reasonably well-educated man should be able to argue both sides of these propositions with skill, vigor, and minimal preparation.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that a horse can trot faster in harness than under saddle.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that no school should instruct its pupils in the Vulcanist theory of mineralogy without presenting the competing view of Neptunism.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that the literary output of Mr Thoreau is not so great as the output of Mr Riley.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that President Hayes had a more beneficial effect on American’s foreign policy than President Arthur.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that no woman of morals should go about in the evenings without a bustle.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that the United States Government should move from the District of Columbia to the city of St. Louis.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that there is no better cure for drunkenness than the tincture of sarsaparilla, gum camphor, honey, spike-nard, turpentine, foxglove, and snakeroot commonly known as “Dr Silver’s Remedy.”
-BE IT RESOLVED, that investing in government bonds is a poor decision because the Day of Judgment will occur before the notes mature.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that retracing one’s strokes when writing the lower-case letter q is a grievous and uncouth error.
Hoping that these exercises lead to the development of strong minds, I remain, Sirs,
Yours truly,
Abner Ulysses Witry, Class of 1908
-BE IT RESOLVED, that a horse can trot faster in harness than under saddle.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that no school should instruct its pupils in the Vulcanist theory of mineralogy without presenting the competing view of Neptunism.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that the literary output of Mr Thoreau is not so great as the output of Mr Riley.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that President Hayes had a more beneficial effect on American’s foreign policy than President Arthur.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that no woman of morals should go about in the evenings without a bustle.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that the United States Government should move from the District of Columbia to the city of St. Louis.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that there is no better cure for drunkenness than the tincture of sarsaparilla, gum camphor, honey, spike-nard, turpentine, foxglove, and snakeroot commonly known as “Dr Silver’s Remedy.”
-BE IT RESOLVED, that investing in government bonds is a poor decision because the Day of Judgment will occur before the notes mature.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that retracing one’s strokes when writing the lower-case letter q is a grievous and uncouth error.
Hoping that these exercises lead to the development of strong minds, I remain, Sirs,
Yours truly,
Abner Ulysses Witry, Class of 1908
Your dead relative left you money in Africa
Dear Inter Alia,
I know that this message will come to you as a surprise. I am the bill and exchange manager in Bank of Africa (BOA), Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. I hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our families.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm
I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of (USD$25) Million to your account within 10 to 14 banking days. This money has been dormant for years in our bank without claim. I want the bank to release the money to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer (the owner of the account) died along with his supposed next of kin in an air crash since July, 2000.
I don’t want the money to go into our bank treasurer account as an abandoned fund. So this is the reason why I contacted you so that the bank can release the money to you as the next of kin to the deceased customer. Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete if you are not interested.
Upon receipt of your reply, I will give you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have 30% of the above mentioned sum if you agree to hand this business with me? and 10% will be set aside for any expenses that warrant on the process before the fund gets into your bank account such as telephone calls bills (etc).
Best Regard,
Mr. Yusuf Musa
My Dear Yusuf,
I am sorry to hear about my next of kin. That plane crash was quite a tragedy. I hope Air France took the necessary precautions to avoid a repeat of this situation. I wish I would have known him or her. I am glad you contacted me and I will be happy to help you anyway possible.
As it happens, I am quite wealthy already so I have no need for the money you wrote about. Rather, I would be happy to donate it to a worthy cause. There is a terrible affliction that affects many people per year called Cotard Delusion, or Walking Corpse Syndrome. Cotards causes a person to hold a delusional belief that he or she is dead, does not exist, is putrefying or has lost his/her blood or internal organs. I would very much like to donate these funds to finding a cure for Cotards.
I am somewhat concerned about the legality of this transaction however. Are estates typically handled in this fashion in Ouagadougou? I don’t know who which of these individuals were my kin but are we sure that I am the right next of kin? Was I included in a will or did the decedent died intestate? Either way, I am happy to help and I have no problem sending you my account number and PIN or whatever you need.
Please, send me instructions so we can facilitate this transaction. I can’t wait to help those poor Cotards.
Your’s truly,
Youre anasshole (by Josh Studor)
I know that this message will come to you as a surprise. I am the bill and exchange manager in Bank of Africa (BOA), Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. I hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our families.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm
I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of (USD$25) Million to your account within 10 to 14 banking days. This money has been dormant for years in our bank without claim. I want the bank to release the money to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer (the owner of the account) died along with his supposed next of kin in an air crash since July, 2000.
I don’t want the money to go into our bank treasurer account as an abandoned fund. So this is the reason why I contacted you so that the bank can release the money to you as the next of kin to the deceased customer. Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete if you are not interested.
Upon receipt of your reply, I will give you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have 30% of the above mentioned sum if you agree to hand this business with me? and 10% will be set aside for any expenses that warrant on the process before the fund gets into your bank account such as telephone calls bills (etc).
Best Regard,
Mr. Yusuf Musa
My Dear Yusuf,
I am sorry to hear about my next of kin. That plane crash was quite a tragedy. I hope Air France took the necessary precautions to avoid a repeat of this situation. I wish I would have known him or her. I am glad you contacted me and I will be happy to help you anyway possible.
As it happens, I am quite wealthy already so I have no need for the money you wrote about. Rather, I would be happy to donate it to a worthy cause. There is a terrible affliction that affects many people per year called Cotard Delusion, or Walking Corpse Syndrome. Cotards causes a person to hold a delusional belief that he or she is dead, does not exist, is putrefying or has lost his/her blood or internal organs. I would very much like to donate these funds to finding a cure for Cotards.
I am somewhat concerned about the legality of this transaction however. Are estates typically handled in this fashion in Ouagadougou? I don’t know who which of these individuals were my kin but are we sure that I am the right next of kin? Was I included in a will or did the decedent died intestate? Either way, I am happy to help and I have no problem sending you my account number and PIN or whatever you need.
Please, send me instructions so we can facilitate this transaction. I can’t wait to help those poor Cotards.
Your’s truly,
Youre anasshole (by Josh Studor)
What I’ve Learned In Law School So Far
by Mike Band
Orientation
I’ll admit that I remember precious little about orientation. I know that I was wearing a tie and that by the end of the week a small but important piece of my soul had withered and died… I think maybe that was the point.
Law students prefer to sit when drinking
Towards the end of orientation week, though perhaps slightly before it technically concluded, Luke “I Am Montana and So Can You” Casey and I felt the need to socialize a bit. It didn’t take us long to figure out that, aside from the library, the best place to find a bunch of law students on a given night is at the bars. Perhaps I ought to qualify what I mean by “bars,” as both the plurality and inspecificity of the word may be a bit misleading. Obviously by “the bars” I mean “The Garden” because for a long time it seemed to be the only damned place anyone in this school ever hung out. Pool tables evidently frighten law students. Coincidentally, this would be both the first and last time anyone from the 2L class was seen outside of the law school.
Nightmare on Elm Street, starring The Law as Freddy Krueger
Sometime in early October I had my first law dream. It was very troubling. Law school had invaded my precious slumber like [insert generic blitzkrieg reference here] and before finally waking in a cold sweat, I had spent what felt like a miserable eternity toiling to find the issue and rule for a baseball game played on the moon by me and a bunch of talking dogs (don’t judge me). Here’s the thing: moondogball doesn’t have an issue or a rule. It just doesn’t, man.
The Consequences
All law students (or at least this one, and my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, so I think the rest of you should be happy to have me as the basis of generalization) have to balance two important but conflicting needs: the need to procrastinate and the need to get shit done. Years ago, I managed to convince myself that I can accomplish the latter most effectively by indulging in the former until I have no choice but to frantically assault my keyboard from late-evening the night before a due date until sometime approaching or after dawn on the due date itself. In the past this was fine, as I could just hand in the assignment and then either zombie my way through class or, more likely, go home and induce a coma. It turns out that in law school, however, one is expected to attend and be ready to participate in class on a daily basis. Immediate consequences for being a zombie in class include a hopeless fight against drifting off every 25 seconds for a nice game of moondogball and, if you’re especially lucky, incoherently bumbling your way through the case you didn’t read the night before by attempting to simultaneously read, comprehend, and summarize it and looking like/sounding like/being a dumbass. The consequence for missing class is mostly limited to putting up with the army of oh-so-clever turncoats who will be flipping you shit about how very responsible you are for the entirety of the subsequent day and then probably again later that weekend. Sam Thilo, I’m looking at you, buddy boy.
Thanksgiving is a good time to get work done
I really did plan on getting a lot of studying in over Thanksgiving break. Instead I played Guitar Hero 2 and slept until noon every day. I regret nothing.
How to study
I, like many of you, never studied for a thing in my life prior to this delightful little adventure. While that freed up a helluva lotta time for the first 16 years of my education, it also left me completely inept when it came to studying. I seriously had no idea how in the hell it was accomplished. Even more mysterious was the idea of actually studying with another person. When friends/associates/secret enemies mentioned that they were planning on getting together to study, I would nod and then, when they left, begin furrowing my brow in a vain attempt to understand their meaning. In my head, I envisioned a pack of wolves fighting a large bear. I did this because I had no idea how to even begin picturing how more than one person would study and because I wonder if a pack of wolves could take down a large bear. Eventually I figured out that you don’t study with another person to try and learn more, you do it so that intermittently you can stop and have a 15 minute exchange about how much you both hate law school/law school/law school and also share YouTube videos.
And in conclusion…
At this point I’ve successfully wasted an hour or so and should probably get back to work on this damnable paper.
Orientation
I’ll admit that I remember precious little about orientation. I know that I was wearing a tie and that by the end of the week a small but important piece of my soul had withered and died… I think maybe that was the point.
Law students prefer to sit when drinking
Towards the end of orientation week, though perhaps slightly before it technically concluded, Luke “I Am Montana and So Can You” Casey and I felt the need to socialize a bit. It didn’t take us long to figure out that, aside from the library, the best place to find a bunch of law students on a given night is at the bars. Perhaps I ought to qualify what I mean by “bars,” as both the plurality and inspecificity of the word may be a bit misleading. Obviously by “the bars” I mean “The Garden” because for a long time it seemed to be the only damned place anyone in this school ever hung out. Pool tables evidently frighten law students. Coincidentally, this would be both the first and last time anyone from the 2L class was seen outside of the law school.
Nightmare on Elm Street, starring The Law as Freddy Krueger
Sometime in early October I had my first law dream. It was very troubling. Law school had invaded my precious slumber like [insert generic blitzkrieg reference here] and before finally waking in a cold sweat, I had spent what felt like a miserable eternity toiling to find the issue and rule for a baseball game played on the moon by me and a bunch of talking dogs (don’t judge me). Here’s the thing: moondogball doesn’t have an issue or a rule. It just doesn’t, man.
The Consequences
All law students (or at least this one, and my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, so I think the rest of you should be happy to have me as the basis of generalization) have to balance two important but conflicting needs: the need to procrastinate and the need to get shit done. Years ago, I managed to convince myself that I can accomplish the latter most effectively by indulging in the former until I have no choice but to frantically assault my keyboard from late-evening the night before a due date until sometime approaching or after dawn on the due date itself. In the past this was fine, as I could just hand in the assignment and then either zombie my way through class or, more likely, go home and induce a coma. It turns out that in law school, however, one is expected to attend and be ready to participate in class on a daily basis. Immediate consequences for being a zombie in class include a hopeless fight against drifting off every 25 seconds for a nice game of moondogball and, if you’re especially lucky, incoherently bumbling your way through the case you didn’t read the night before by attempting to simultaneously read, comprehend, and summarize it and looking like/sounding like/being a dumbass. The consequence for missing class is mostly limited to putting up with the army of oh-so-clever turncoats who will be flipping you shit about how very responsible you are for the entirety of the subsequent day and then probably again later that weekend. Sam Thilo, I’m looking at you, buddy boy.
Thanksgiving is a good time to get work done
I really did plan on getting a lot of studying in over Thanksgiving break. Instead I played Guitar Hero 2 and slept until noon every day. I regret nothing.
How to study
I, like many of you, never studied for a thing in my life prior to this delightful little adventure. While that freed up a helluva lotta time for the first 16 years of my education, it also left me completely inept when it came to studying. I seriously had no idea how in the hell it was accomplished. Even more mysterious was the idea of actually studying with another person. When friends/associates/secret enemies mentioned that they were planning on getting together to study, I would nod and then, when they left, begin furrowing my brow in a vain attempt to understand their meaning. In my head, I envisioned a pack of wolves fighting a large bear. I did this because I had no idea how to even begin picturing how more than one person would study and because I wonder if a pack of wolves could take down a large bear. Eventually I figured out that you don’t study with another person to try and learn more, you do it so that intermittently you can stop and have a 15 minute exchange about how much you both hate law school/law school/law school and also share YouTube videos.
And in conclusion…
At this point I’ve successfully wasted an hour or so and should probably get back to work on this damnable paper.
Dear RJ
Dear RJ,
I have always been a good student. From the gold star on my forehead in preschool until the day I graduated with my BA in political science, I have always been at the top of my class. You can image my shock when I got my grades this semester and I received only average marks. I am embarrassed to admit that one of my grades was even as low as some of the people I used to make fun of when I was in undergrad. How can this be?
First Real Experience As Kolikeh
[Kolikeh: Yiddish. n. (KOL-e-keh) An inept performer; someone not so good at their craft.]
Dear FREAK,
It must seem like only yesterday that you were sitting around a table in a coffee shop thinking that you and all your cool friends could if only everyone would listen. You probably came to law school with visions of you cheekily and easily engaging with your professors and showing your classmates how sharp you are and have always been. I can imagine your disappointment when you found yourself taking weeks worth of notes on mutual assent, consideration, and parole evidence only to find that the girl in sweats two rows back and the guy with the beer gut and a John Deere hat were both easily as smart as you, and understood better than you why a fox hunt hundreds of years ago is important to American Property law. First of all, don’t feel like Tigger cause you aren’t the only one. Every year, hundreds of first year law students experience the very same thing. Your disappointment is understandable. You are no longer the cream of the crop. You’re just the crop. Maybe even the chaff. The important question now, is what will you do about it? Here are some suggestions I have gathered from the Alumnus I have met over the past few years.
From a Litigator: Keep in mind that everyone here is at least as smart as you. While you may have been the brightest star at State U, here you’re now grouped with about 100 people who all got roughly the same GPA and LSAT score. You may feel that there is some great gap between yourself and your classmates but let’s face it, if that were true you’d be attending a different school than a 3rd tier state school in rural Idaho.
From a Professor: Learn to live with your grades. They don’t define you unless you define yourself with them. And if you define yourself by your grades, well, you’re probably an asshole.
From a Judge: Find other ways to validate yourself. Three years from now this will all be over. If your self worth and self esteem have been largely based on your law school achievements you’ll find yourself in a sad, sad state. While you got an A in Business Associations people after you graduate will still prefer the company of the person who got a C+ – because he or she is not a stuffy prick.
Learn to live with your C. Embrace it and move on. You’ll be a better person for it.
Dear RJ,
I am nervous about sharing a hotel room with a classmate on the bankruptcy moot court trip to NYC because he has publicly said I was pretty. Should I be concerned about what people will think, or just embrace my friend and make clear that I don’t feel that way about him?
Torn Regarding New Travel
Dear TRENT
I got nothing. Really. I don’t know what to tell you. I wouldn’t want to share a room with him, and he thinks I am fat, old and ugly. I think you can buy pepper spray in Union Square.
Dear RJ
What the hell was Josh thinking? How can he not think that articles was a personal attack? How was that funny? What’s his problem? I could write an editorial about how several people at this school, faculty, staff, and students irritate the shit out of me, but I don’t.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
Josh is like that guy who teaches the foreign kid to play poker. His game, his rules, and sometimes a hand of all red cards is just a winner. I know that Josh has a blog, but none of his friends read it, so this was his best way to be heard since his roommate has been telling him to quit whining.
Dear RJ
Do we actually go to law school? I am just curious because I thought law school was about confrontation, differing opinions, advocacy for a position, and challenging ones perspective. I also thought part of learning about the law was debating over terms like “personal attacks” or concepts like proper forums.
I also thought we, as law students, enjoyed concepts like freedom of the press or freedom of speech.
See, I am confused because many of the responses to my article from last issue brought vehemence and name calling from many anonymous posters.
Just the Editor
Dear JTE
No, Josh. You are operating from several mistaken premises. Law school isn’t about any of those things. Law school is about gossip, innuendo, scandal, cliquishness, snide attacks (which is what Inter Alia is SUPPOSED to be about), and crushing your idealistic dreams of the law as a professional fraternity. Most law students DO enjoy those things as CONCEPTS. The fact is, most of America is only for freedom of speech that they agree with. As for freedom of the Press, well, that would imply that this rag qualifies as Press, and no publication that would regularly let me rant and make snide attacks counts as a newspaper. Also, just because most of us don’t think of Inter Alia as an actual news source, that doesn’t meant we think it should be your blog either
I have always been a good student. From the gold star on my forehead in preschool until the day I graduated with my BA in political science, I have always been at the top of my class. You can image my shock when I got my grades this semester and I received only average marks. I am embarrassed to admit that one of my grades was even as low as some of the people I used to make fun of when I was in undergrad. How can this be?
First Real Experience As Kolikeh
[Kolikeh: Yiddish. n. (KOL-e-keh) An inept performer; someone not so good at their craft.]
Dear FREAK,
It must seem like only yesterday that you were sitting around a table in a coffee shop thinking that you and all your cool friends could if only everyone would listen. You probably came to law school with visions of you cheekily and easily engaging with your professors and showing your classmates how sharp you are and have always been. I can imagine your disappointment when you found yourself taking weeks worth of notes on mutual assent, consideration, and parole evidence only to find that the girl in sweats two rows back and the guy with the beer gut and a John Deere hat were both easily as smart as you, and understood better than you why a fox hunt hundreds of years ago is important to American Property law. First of all, don’t feel like Tigger cause you aren’t the only one. Every year, hundreds of first year law students experience the very same thing. Your disappointment is understandable. You are no longer the cream of the crop. You’re just the crop. Maybe even the chaff. The important question now, is what will you do about it? Here are some suggestions I have gathered from the Alumnus I have met over the past few years.
From a Litigator: Keep in mind that everyone here is at least as smart as you. While you may have been the brightest star at State U, here you’re now grouped with about 100 people who all got roughly the same GPA and LSAT score. You may feel that there is some great gap between yourself and your classmates but let’s face it, if that were true you’d be attending a different school than a 3rd tier state school in rural Idaho.
From a Professor: Learn to live with your grades. They don’t define you unless you define yourself with them. And if you define yourself by your grades, well, you’re probably an asshole.
From a Judge: Find other ways to validate yourself. Three years from now this will all be over. If your self worth and self esteem have been largely based on your law school achievements you’ll find yourself in a sad, sad state. While you got an A in Business Associations people after you graduate will still prefer the company of the person who got a C+ – because he or she is not a stuffy prick.
Learn to live with your C. Embrace it and move on. You’ll be a better person for it.
Dear RJ,
I am nervous about sharing a hotel room with a classmate on the bankruptcy moot court trip to NYC because he has publicly said I was pretty. Should I be concerned about what people will think, or just embrace my friend and make clear that I don’t feel that way about him?
Torn Regarding New Travel
Dear TRENT
I got nothing. Really. I don’t know what to tell you. I wouldn’t want to share a room with him, and he thinks I am fat, old and ugly. I think you can buy pepper spray in Union Square.
Dear RJ
What the hell was Josh thinking? How can he not think that articles was a personal attack? How was that funny? What’s his problem? I could write an editorial about how several people at this school, faculty, staff, and students irritate the shit out of me, but I don’t.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
Josh is like that guy who teaches the foreign kid to play poker. His game, his rules, and sometimes a hand of all red cards is just a winner. I know that Josh has a blog, but none of his friends read it, so this was his best way to be heard since his roommate has been telling him to quit whining.
Dear RJ
Do we actually go to law school? I am just curious because I thought law school was about confrontation, differing opinions, advocacy for a position, and challenging ones perspective. I also thought part of learning about the law was debating over terms like “personal attacks” or concepts like proper forums.
I also thought we, as law students, enjoyed concepts like freedom of the press or freedom of speech.
See, I am confused because many of the responses to my article from last issue brought vehemence and name calling from many anonymous posters.
Just the Editor
Dear JTE
No, Josh. You are operating from several mistaken premises. Law school isn’t about any of those things. Law school is about gossip, innuendo, scandal, cliquishness, snide attacks (which is what Inter Alia is SUPPOSED to be about), and crushing your idealistic dreams of the law as a professional fraternity. Most law students DO enjoy those things as CONCEPTS. The fact is, most of America is only for freedom of speech that they agree with. As for freedom of the Press, well, that would imply that this rag qualifies as Press, and no publication that would regularly let me rant and make snide attacks counts as a newspaper. Also, just because most of us don’t think of Inter Alia as an actual news source, that doesn’t meant we think it should be your blog either
Give a guy a hand (a washed one)
by Brian “germaphobe” Hilverda
“Wash your hands.” I heard this time and time again as a kid. After playing outside and coming in to eat; after walking the dogs; and especially after going to the bathroom. After a while it just became a habit (way to go Mom!) So it strikes me as odd the number of people at this school who don’t wash their hands after using the facilities. I just don’t get how it’s possible for so many people in this school to have come this far in life and not learn that they should use the sink after doing their business (#1 or #2). It’s not like it’s a difficult task, or even that time consuming. Yet, somehow it happens on a regular basis (you know who you are). I hope the female population of this school will forgive me, but my comments are not directed at them; I don’t spend much (or any) time in the ladies room.
Don’t make assumptions about who may be guilty of this. If you haven’t noticed an offender already, it might surprise you who commits this offense. It’s not limited to 1L’s who may not have learned that by not washing off germs from that antibiotic-resistant staph infection festering on their nether-regions, they could be subject to strict liability and punitive damages. I personally have witnessed 1L’s, 2L’s, 3L’s, and even professors (yes, multiple) leave the facilities without taking a second to rinse their digits.
So instead of calling you out publicly, I thought I’d offer up some helpful reminders instead. When we were teaching my daughter to wash her hands after she used the bathroom, we told her to sing her ABC’s. She loved it, and it’s now a habit for her. If the alphabet isn’t your thing, I’ve thought if some other simple refrains that may spark your memory.
• “If you put your hand on your wang, wash the germs down the drain.”
• “When I pee, washing is up to me.”
• “After draining the dong, wash with soap for 30 seconds long”
• “If I make a doodie, using the sink is my duty.”
I hope these help any offenders out there remember to wash. Seriously folks, it’s a small community here and no one wants to use the door after you’ve put your “junk-germed” hands all over the handle. So let’s all do our part and make our bathrooms a safer place.
“Wash your hands.” I heard this time and time again as a kid. After playing outside and coming in to eat; after walking the dogs; and especially after going to the bathroom. After a while it just became a habit (way to go Mom!) So it strikes me as odd the number of people at this school who don’t wash their hands after using the facilities. I just don’t get how it’s possible for so many people in this school to have come this far in life and not learn that they should use the sink after doing their business (#1 or #2). It’s not like it’s a difficult task, or even that time consuming. Yet, somehow it happens on a regular basis (you know who you are). I hope the female population of this school will forgive me, but my comments are not directed at them; I don’t spend much (or any) time in the ladies room.
Don’t make assumptions about who may be guilty of this. If you haven’t noticed an offender already, it might surprise you who commits this offense. It’s not limited to 1L’s who may not have learned that by not washing off germs from that antibiotic-resistant staph infection festering on their nether-regions, they could be subject to strict liability and punitive damages. I personally have witnessed 1L’s, 2L’s, 3L’s, and even professors (yes, multiple) leave the facilities without taking a second to rinse their digits.
So instead of calling you out publicly, I thought I’d offer up some helpful reminders instead. When we were teaching my daughter to wash her hands after she used the bathroom, we told her to sing her ABC’s. She loved it, and it’s now a habit for her. If the alphabet isn’t your thing, I’ve thought if some other simple refrains that may spark your memory.
• “If you put your hand on your wang, wash the germs down the drain.”
• “When I pee, washing is up to me.”
• “After draining the dong, wash with soap for 30 seconds long”
• “If I make a doodie, using the sink is my duty.”
I hope these help any offenders out there remember to wash. Seriously folks, it’s a small community here and no one wants to use the door after you’ve put your “junk-germed” hands all over the handle. So let’s all do our part and make our bathrooms a safer place.
Making Law Interesting Again
by Mike Witry
The other day I was flipping channels idly when I saw a “bug” logo in the lower right hand corner of my screen that informed me, “CourtTV is now TruTV.” Apparently televised trials just weren’t interesting enough for the American public, so now the erstwhile legal network concentrates on reality programming (which raises its own legal issues).
What’s the matter, America? Shouldn’t you be interested in the justice system your ancestors constructed and your contemporaries maintain? How can John Grisham top the best-seller list every time he writes down his grocery list, yet a network devoted to bringing you the real-life equivalent withers on the vine?
It’s time to face facts. Our trial system may have been riveting in 1789, but it’s fallen behind in the hoot-and-holler league. I humbly suggest the following reforms to make our trials worth watching.
- The layout of the courtroom needs to go. Everybody knows that if you want to create drama, you need a nearly-bare set, very dark, with a couple of spotlights, a la “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
- Courtroom audiences are generally silent because the judge doesn’t want them to interfere with the proceedings. This won’t prevent a little work in the editing room. If “The Flintstones” can have a laugh track, then so can a courtroom. I recommend using the audience reaction tracks from “Saved by the Bell” - especially appropriate, because one of the cast members from “Saved by the Bell: The New Class” is clerking for Justice Breyer next term (no, really!)
- The gavel is great. Love the gavel. Percussion is powerful. Maybe replace the gavel with a gong. And introduce the judge with a timpani roll.
- While we’re on the topic of introductions, the attorneys could use some more face time - they’re the ones who make the plot of the trial move forward. “Iron Chef” does an excellent job of introducing its competitors. Televised trials should borrow from its success and introduce the attorneys with montages of their past cases, and the counsels enter the courtroom accompanied by heraldic music and their firms’ honor guards.
- When people walk while talking, it creates the impression that the plot is moving along with the characters. This is why the lawyers on “Law and Order” discuss pending motions in the hallway, and Dr. House limps around the corridors of the hospital while brainstorming diagnoses. The easiest way to get lawyers to do this would be to put the witness’ microphone on a sled and pull the sled around the courthouse. The lawyer and the witness will have to keep up with it if they want the jury to hear them.
- When TV audiences encounter something they don’t understand, they change the channel. Evidence rules might be crucial to the outcome of cases, but they confuse viewers. One way to make them less confusing would be to take a page from the NFL’s playbook and implement hand signals for various rulings. “Inadmissible,” (waves hands, palms down) “calls for speculation,” (point to forehead with index finger) “disregard the answer.” (raises hand, palm out)
- Likewise, the eyes of our audience glaze over when they hear the word “Objection,” because they know they’re about to hear somebody try to stop the witness from talking for some arcane reason, and nobody’s going to explain it to them. It might be easier for the audience to comprehend if we replaced the technical term “Objection” with something more common-sense, like “Bullshit.”
- Every trial needs comic relief. Hamlet had the gravediggers, Macbeth had the old drunk guy, even the local news has the wacky weatherman. There’s no obvious place for comic relief in the courtroom, so it looks like we’ll have to assign this job to the courtroom sketch artist. Why not replace the traditional artists with caricature artists? You can find them on every street corner in major cities. They’ll draw the witnesses with huge heads, and possibly carrying items that represent the content of their testimony.
Now, some of you naysayers might be saying nay right now. Have you considered that this might be the reason they call you naysayers? If you keep disagreeing with people, they won’t like you anymore.
In summary, there’s no good reason why courtroom television can’t be a big hit. Yes, we as lawyers have a higher calling, but so do evangelists and look at the ratings they get.
The other day I was flipping channels idly when I saw a “bug” logo in the lower right hand corner of my screen that informed me, “CourtTV is now TruTV.” Apparently televised trials just weren’t interesting enough for the American public, so now the erstwhile legal network concentrates on reality programming (which raises its own legal issues).
What’s the matter, America? Shouldn’t you be interested in the justice system your ancestors constructed and your contemporaries maintain? How can John Grisham top the best-seller list every time he writes down his grocery list, yet a network devoted to bringing you the real-life equivalent withers on the vine?
It’s time to face facts. Our trial system may have been riveting in 1789, but it’s fallen behind in the hoot-and-holler league. I humbly suggest the following reforms to make our trials worth watching.
- The layout of the courtroom needs to go. Everybody knows that if you want to create drama, you need a nearly-bare set, very dark, with a couple of spotlights, a la “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
- Courtroom audiences are generally silent because the judge doesn’t want them to interfere with the proceedings. This won’t prevent a little work in the editing room. If “The Flintstones” can have a laugh track, then so can a courtroom. I recommend using the audience reaction tracks from “Saved by the Bell” - especially appropriate, because one of the cast members from “Saved by the Bell: The New Class” is clerking for Justice Breyer next term (no, really!)
- The gavel is great. Love the gavel. Percussion is powerful. Maybe replace the gavel with a gong. And introduce the judge with a timpani roll.
- While we’re on the topic of introductions, the attorneys could use some more face time - they’re the ones who make the plot of the trial move forward. “Iron Chef” does an excellent job of introducing its competitors. Televised trials should borrow from its success and introduce the attorneys with montages of their past cases, and the counsels enter the courtroom accompanied by heraldic music and their firms’ honor guards.
- When people walk while talking, it creates the impression that the plot is moving along with the characters. This is why the lawyers on “Law and Order” discuss pending motions in the hallway, and Dr. House limps around the corridors of the hospital while brainstorming diagnoses. The easiest way to get lawyers to do this would be to put the witness’ microphone on a sled and pull the sled around the courthouse. The lawyer and the witness will have to keep up with it if they want the jury to hear them.
- When TV audiences encounter something they don’t understand, they change the channel. Evidence rules might be crucial to the outcome of cases, but they confuse viewers. One way to make them less confusing would be to take a page from the NFL’s playbook and implement hand signals for various rulings. “Inadmissible,” (waves hands, palms down) “calls for speculation,” (point to forehead with index finger) “disregard the answer.” (raises hand, palm out)
- Likewise, the eyes of our audience glaze over when they hear the word “Objection,” because they know they’re about to hear somebody try to stop the witness from talking for some arcane reason, and nobody’s going to explain it to them. It might be easier for the audience to comprehend if we replaced the technical term “Objection” with something more common-sense, like “Bullshit.”
- Every trial needs comic relief. Hamlet had the gravediggers, Macbeth had the old drunk guy, even the local news has the wacky weatherman. There’s no obvious place for comic relief in the courtroom, so it looks like we’ll have to assign this job to the courtroom sketch artist. Why not replace the traditional artists with caricature artists? You can find them on every street corner in major cities. They’ll draw the witnesses with huge heads, and possibly carrying items that represent the content of their testimony.
Now, some of you naysayers might be saying nay right now. Have you considered that this might be the reason they call you naysayers? If you keep disagreeing with people, they won’t like you anymore.
In summary, there’s no good reason why courtroom television can’t be a big hit. Yes, we as lawyers have a higher calling, but so do evangelists and look at the ratings they get.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Best Damn Facial Hair Contest (Winners)
Best Overall (3L)
Brad Weber
Most Creative
Steven McRae
Best 2L
Brandon Smith
Best 1L:
Aaron Contreras
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