Executive Toys

By: Michael Witry
It's the time of year when 3Ls begin to think, "Wow, soon I'll have a job. And an office. Oh God - I'm going to need to get an executive toy for my office! Whatever should I choose?" Lucky for you I've put together a short review of several popular executive toys, as seen at officeplayground.com.

• Newton's Cradle. Perhaps the quintessential executive toy, you may also know it as "those clacking balls." It's a fantastic demonstration of one of Newton's Laws, but he wrote a few of them so I can't remember which one it is off hand. (Conservation of Momentum? Is that a law?) The web site that's attempting to sell me one gives me a helpful disclaimer: "Please note, the balls do not swing indefinitely and eventually stop." Well, dammit, I was going to use it as a source of free perpetual motion energy to power all of the Treasure Valley, but it looks like that's out of the question. I give it a C.

• Miniature Zen Rock Garden. It's a plate of sand with some rocks in it and a Lilliputian rake. You're supposed to rake the sand around the rocks to create pleasing designs and achieve inner peace. Call me crazy, but I'm not comfortable turning aspects of somebody else's religion into my personal stress toy. It makes me wonder if on the far side of the world, office managers are decorating their desks with miniature Gardens of Gethsemane. C-.

• Plasma Ball. Awww, hell yeah! It's nice to see that somebody else has the idea of "office as mad scientist's lair," or at least "office as storeroom for leftover props from Beakman's World." If I were going whole-hog on this theme, I might also spring for a Van de Graaf generator (that big ball thing that creates static-electricity lightning and makes your hair stand on end) and a pipe organ on which to play menacing tunes. No, scratch that - a theremin. (Theremins are radio boxes played by waving your hands over them. They're rad.) A.

• Koosh Ball. Yes, they're fun to throw and catch, but if you had any when you were a kid, you know that after time, the sticky stuff that holds it together gathers up a lot of gunk. After a year or so, it's really only fit for your pets (or for donating to St. Vincent de Paul). C.

• Woolly Willy. The appeal of Willy is somewhat diminished to my generation. We've had technology like this for years - we could just take Willy's face and draw on it in MS Paint. (Just be sure to keep that magnet away from the hard drive.) Still, Willy appeals to a retro market, as does his siblings, Hair-do Harriet and Create-a-Commie (!) It might be a good call if you're working with baby boom clients, but then you should finish the job and redecorate your office with plastic chairs, a boomerang-patterned aqua Formica counter, and some contraband lawn darts. B.

For my money, you can't beat Legos as an office toy. Some of you will build elaborate cities, and some of you will put one guy on a flat red piece and pretend he's skateboarding. The appeal is equal. Furthermore, you'll have an instant client screening tool: anyone who doesn't like Legos is not to be trusted.

Since this is my last piece for Inter Alia, I'd like to thank you all for reading. Many of you have made my life more interesting; I hope I've done the same for you.