Law School Dos and Don'ts

by Mark Coppin
Don’t: Submit articles to Inter Alia with the sole purpose of offending the entire student body. Doing this may create a dangerous bottleneck of would-be complainers attempting to gain access to the Dean’s office. Here’s a tip: If you must offend, attempt to alienate a single student or group of students one week at a time. This will create a steady, manageable stream of complaints and drama and avoid the dangerous deluge of torch wielding villagers.
Do: Recycle. Even if you hate the environment, trees, and dirt worshiping hippies, it is just easier to throw your plastic bottle in the bin marked “Plastic Only” than it is to listen to the tree huggers whine. Save the eardrums! Recycle.
Don’t: Rush in to the classroom before the other class has had a chance to get up out of their seats and exit the classroom. As eager as you may be to dive in to the day’s learning, it’s not going to happen any faster by rushing the room. The professor will still wait until the designated start time and you’re only going to make the aisles feel like Wal-Mart on back-to-school weekend.
Do: Get involved in clubs and organizations/Attend social events. You are not allowed to complain about the law school, Moscow, or North Idaho if you refuse to participate and contribute to the efforts to make life here a little better.
Don’t: Raise your hand in class. While you may think we all care that you used to work in a job that gives you some special insight into the practical application of some concept, we really don’t. Do not waste our time because you feel the need to supplement the course materials with your own anecdotal observations about life in the small town where you grew up. If you find yourself starting a comment with “As a [insert qualifying characteristic]…” stop! Take a deep breath.
Do: Raise your hand in class to answer questions. We all have to chip in folks. The awkward silence that follows a professor’s plea for “anyone” who may know the answer is almost as painful as the annoying sound of the same two people answering questions every day. To make matters worse these people are often the same people guilty of instructing professors (see above). Take one for the team. Raise your hand every now and then.
Don’t: Stare at your neighbors’ laptop screen. If the student next to you chooses to play solitaire, send instant messages, shop for shoes, write in their blog, check sports scores, or even look at porn, it’s none of your business. If you feel the need to complain to professors about the things appearing on the surrounding screens, you probably need a life. We take finals on the same notebooks in the same classrooms. Get in the habit of keeping your eyes on your own work.
Do: Shower and use deodorant. You know who you are and your odor bothers us almost as bad as your whining about recycling.
Don’t: “Phu” the food. Contrary to what many students may think, nobody owes you a free lunch. If you want to partake of the bribe, at least have the decency to stay for the meeting. Also, staying for the meeting means at least pretending to pay attention.
Editor’s Note:
Phu (foo) verb
1. To attend a meeting or law school event simply to eat the food.
[origin: Vietnamese. Meaning a strange, fashion-challenged law student who goes to everything event that has free food including, but not limited to, The Federalist Society and the ACLU meetings.]
Do: Encourage your student organization to find something other than pizza to serve at meetings.
Don’t: Attempt to quiet your neighbors in the carrels next door by means of some passive aggressive strategy. This includes; Screaming “SHHHHH” to no one, Stating loudly something about someone being “rude” or a “jerk”, sending emails to the SBA, and complaining to the administration. As much as his or her conversation might be bugging you, you are probably going to bug everyone else even more. Here’s a tip: Here at U of I we strive to become lawyers, people who function in our adversarial legal system. If you are so afraid of conflict that you can’t even speak to your classmate about possibly lowering his or her voice, perhaps you should consider another career. I understand there is a great program for high school guidance counselors across the street.