Stepping Out: Professor Dumbledore denies allegations that he is gay, loves witch

by Josh Studor

by Josh Studor

“I am not gay. I never have been gay. I love my students and my life’s work teaching at Hogwart’s School for Witchcraft and Wizardry,” Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, 126, told reporters last week.
“It is simply outrageous to imply that my friendship with Gellert Grindelwald was anything more than a healthy, non-sexual, relationship between two wizards.”
Dumbledore’s comments came after author J.K. Rowling outed the acclaimed wizard at a Carnegie Hall lecture in late October of this year. At the lecture, a young Harry Potter fan asked Rowling if Dumbledore had ever been in love.
“My truthful answer to you,” she replied, “I always thought of Dumbledore as gay.” She then went on to say that Dumbledore was blinded to the evil nature of Grindelwald because he had fallen in love with the dark wizard.
“The allegations are simply outrageous,” Dumbledore said at a London press conference held days after Rowling’s comments.
Dumbledore has already scheduled an hour-long interview with Rita Skeeter on the muggle TV program 60-Minutes. Reports indicate that he will bring someone who Dumbledore calls his real true love – a witch who lives in Chicago with her three children from a different wizard.
It appears as though Dumbledore’s political and professional life could be over soon. Calls for his resignation from the Wizengamot came in almost immediately and he has already lost is position as chair of the International Confederation of Wizards. The loudest voice came from self-proclaimed protector of the morals and decency, Dolores Umbridge.
“Won’t somebody please think of the children,” she cried out from the Wizengamot floor.
Rowling’s statements are not the first alluding to Dumbledore alternative sexuality.
Rumors of Dumbledore’s proclivities erupted following the now infamous Prefect scandal of the 1980s. In 1984, former defense against the dark arts professor Amycus Carrow resigned after it was revealed that he had been involved with the male prefects from Slytherin House. In the midst of the controversy, Dumbledore, who had not been accused at the time, held a press conference denying any involvement.
“Its a, ‘Bad boy, Mr. Carrow. You’re a naughty boy,’” Dumbledore said. “I’m going to speak out for the students of my house, who in the majority think that Amycus Carrow is probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy.”
An independent investigation by the Ministry of Magic’s top Aurors absolved Dumbledore of wrong doing but the rumors that Dumbledore had been involved never truly subsided.
Just last year, the interview of an anonymous source published in the Quibbler alleged that Dumbledore had met up with men in a variety of muggle bathrooms. The source went on to say that nothing ever happened because the men would see the 100-year-old wizard’s foot tapping under the stall wall and say, “Nu uh grandpa. You look nothing like your picture on Craigslist.”
Last summer, The Daily Profit published a series of articles about all the rumors but came to no conclusion. However, one particular charge that Dumbledore “cruised” a man at a broom store in London in 1994 prompted a direct response:
“I’ve been in this business more than 50 years in the public eye here,” Dumbledore said, “I don’t go around anywhere hitting on wizards, and by God, if I did, I wouldn’t do it in Diagon Alley! Jiminy.”
The current allegations have lead to wide-spread speculation. One of the most common beliefs is that Dumbledore spurned He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named while he was a student at Hogwarts. This, speculators say, is why He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named hates Dumbledore so much.
“It would explain a lot,” Professor Minerva McGonagall said. “Back in the ‘60s, when Voldemort was at Hogwarts, he had many older male friends who other students avoided. I caught him lurking around outside the headmaster’s office several times. I always just assumed he was plotting to kill the professor.”
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named refused to comment, but cursed Dumbledore for being incapable of love.
Dumbledore’s outing has also prompted conjecture as to other individuals with whom Dumbledore associated – most notably regarding The Boy Who Lived.
“That Potter boy and him had something going on; that’s for sure,” Lucius Malfoy said while peeking through the door of Severus Snape’s private quarters. “I mean, how else did a half-blood get to be Dumbledore’s favorite?”
As of the time of publication, Harry Potter had not returned this reporter’s owls.