Centennial Practice Tips

Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to address the student body of this august institution upon the hundredth anniversary of my matriculation from its hallowed halls. As I am frightfully busy with matters of state, I shall make my remarks brief. One who seeks to be called to the bar would engage in a lifetime of debate, upon sundry topics which would baffle the brains of the workingmen. I have now been in the practice for one hundred years and I could not have attained my eminent status without constant refinement of my debating skill. For the benefit of those who would follow me upon the law’s path, I give you the following propositions, which I have used as themes in practice debates opposing my partners. Any reasonably well-educated man should be able to argue both sides of these propositions with skill, vigor, and minimal preparation.

-BE IT RESOLVED, that a horse can trot faster in harness than under saddle.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that no school should instruct its pupils in the Vulcanist theory of mineralogy without presenting the competing view of Neptunism.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that the literary output of Mr Thoreau is not so great as the output of Mr Riley.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that President Hayes had a more beneficial effect on American’s foreign policy than President Arthur.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that no woman of morals should go about in the evenings without a bustle.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that the United States Government should move from the District of Columbia to the city of St. Louis.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that there is no better cure for drunkenness than the tincture of sarsaparilla, gum camphor, honey, spike-nard, turpentine, foxglove, and snakeroot commonly known as “Dr Silver’s Remedy.”
-BE IT RESOLVED, that investing in government bonds is a poor decision because the Day of Judgment will occur before the notes mature.
-BE IT RESOLVED, that retracing one’s strokes when writing the lower-case letter q is a grievous and uncouth error.

Hoping that these exercises lead to the development of strong minds, I remain, Sirs,

Yours truly,
Abner Ulysses Witry, Class of 1908